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hello! i am writing this at 5:47 pm on 2/25 for reasons that will reveal themselves as you read further.
yesterday i:
- woke up at 6:55 and left the house at 7:10 (on time!)
- wore a cool outfit (shorts over pants)
- played piano
- first period was cool, we had an amusing discussion about birkenstock's trying to get copyright for their sandals
- the rest of the school day was a matter of endurance
- did some work for my school music program
- went to rehearsals for the aforementioned program
- 6:00 p.m. went to deltaco and the library with friends (incidentally also bandmates)
- 6:20 p.m. read the most devastating text from my sister...
"hello father is upsetty bc u been out more often and is planning on cooking you about grades just a head up"
- proceeded to almost cry in front of my friends
- spent an hour texting an emotional support friend and trying to dissociate from the anxiety
- got some work done for maybe 40 minutes but i was extremely exhausted
- got driven home by friend
- sat outside of house in fear
- went inside and didn't even see my dad's face
- immediately went to bed
- my mom walked into my room and started cleaning it for me out of kindness or whatever at 9:30 p.m. and at this point i was ready to start bawlin because i didn't know why she was being so nice
- i tried to sleep
- i slept
somehow, nothing scares me more in life than being yelled at by my dad. i'm 17 and this is still true. i hate that i'm 17 and being shouted at with words by an angry middle-aged man is enough to reduce me to a sad, worthless child. i am not necessarily worthless or a failure but there is nothing i can do to stop feeling like it after such an event.
it's just so emotionally ravaging that my body experience full flight-or-fight response reactions. like being unable to move and getting shaky and feeling nauseous. before, during, and after.
so that was yesterday. it was quite the nice day knowing i would be going to a library with friends until i read that text.
gonna write today's diary. see you there.
- franc
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