am i worth it? did i put enough work in? (no you didnt)

with aspd its much more worse. because i have this thing where i relapse into my old personality whenever things go wrong, just start being an asshole in some passive aggressive way, or hinting at it just so i can get the other person under their skin for fun. but ive already established and come to peace in my mind that i can be nice, that i can be kind and somehow express empathy with my heart. but then when the world decides to kick me down all that effort, all that trying when its not required, all that shit gets thrown into the garbage can and into the wastelands. im back to who i was, dull and a piece of shit that's putting on this pathetic mask just so my friends wont leave me.

it feels like i was never there. that i was playing some sort of character and i am lost once again. not in some genuine "who am i" type stuff, but more so just what the fuck was I doing this whole time? was it just a waste or what. was i never good enough to change or is it the environment thats making me feel this way? probably both.

now i am in this body with a new change of mind. im back at square one again, just a little different now this time. this time i kinda dont give a fuck to change at the moment. maybe in two weeks ill feel better and pretend i didnt write this on my laptop so late in the night acting all woe and whatever. i needed to get this out anyway.