25-2-25, Tuesday

I woke up. I was already conscious, but what really woke me up afterwards was my father yelling my deadname, as he does in the morning. I responded, but

It’s 02:53. He is fast asleep.

I keep having hallucinations now. They’re new, but they’re here consistently. 

My principal walking down the hall. A stick on the ground that I realized wasn’t there. Many odd things out the corner of my eye. This cannot be good for me.

This cannot be good.

This was preventable

I cannot afford to lose touch with reality, even for a split second

I cannot doubt whether a threat is real or not

I alone keep myself safe

So I am in desperate need of help. I hope my parents pity me when I wake up. I hope they are disturbed and scared when I tell them I hallucinate - and even more scared when I tell them I can’t see if they’re real at first. I hope they say I can’t stay home. I hope they - someone - anoyone protects me. Please, please don’t damage me any more. Please!

03:49

If my parents do not save me, I might have to admit myself into a mental hospital.

I get moments of madly intense suicidal thoughts anyway. I won’t need an extra reason.

Anything to keep myself safe. That’s all I ask for. 

All I want is sweet sweet safety, that’s what I have wanted for years. I want it more than money, or achievements, or love, or care. I don’t want a car and I don’t want friends and family. I want to sit in my room and know that no one will hurt me. I want to give myself a space where I don’t have to listen for anyone’s doors closing, anyone’s footsteps. Where the devil himself will not awaken me every morning and drag me to the pits of hell.

Pepperoni pizza with a garlic cheese crust. With domino crust seasoning. And ranch.

09:11

My literature teacher is chewing gum and it’s awful

I hate school, I hate it so much. I thought it’s a structure that manipulates into submission.

Instead it’s a structure that will physically kill you, mentally destroy you, turn you disabled and say it’s your fault. It’s a structure that turned a happy, healthy kid into a hallucinating, constantly dissociated man. Soon they will cut off my wings and eat them for dinner. They’ll grind me up in a machine and make me a nugget. They’ll tell my mother that I did it myself.

10:35 

Lunchtime is soon, but not mine. The cafeteria doesn’t sell Käfer-edible things.

And I need to make up a test.

I feel nauseous. I am so smelly. I sit here and I smell my infection every time I get up. I feel bad for the people around me. I am ashamed and scared. When did I even last shower?

17:34

Scary tells me I shouldn't go to Europe before getting my degree. I think she's a liar.

she'll never quite understand my values, I think. She holds against me that I've never truly been poor, never been homeless.

She is right, but I will not listen. I will be poor. I know how to be uncomfortable. I know how it is to be hungry and have nothing to eat. I've never been homeless but I've never been comfortable.

and i cannot tell her that I feel unsafe.

My mom yells at my dad a lot. I feel alone, I fear. She doesn't think I'm competent. She thinks I am young and mentally behind. She thinks I cannot make good decisions because I am young.

I need to be brave enough to make mistakes. Young enough to handle pain. She is wrong and I will be free.

Free, you hear me?