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i have recently discovered new and innovative ways to make my life worse!
these include (but are not limited to):
- developing bad eating habits (binging, eating shitty food instead of making meals, etc.)
- completely shitting on my sleep schedule
- forgetting due dates
- remembering and then ignoring said due dates
- falling behind in every class
- falling behind as a musician to my own standards
- finding really comfortable patches of grass to ignore my suffering in
- upsetting my parents
- being tired all of the time
oh wait-
my bad
these are actually familiar and boring things
old news, really
just running over the same, rutted ground
repeatedly falling into the same silly tragedies
one must think me insane
walking in this circle
over and over again
expecting some sort of 'better'
even i am suspecting some insanity
deep down i know such fantasies are foolish
...
what's worse?
being insane?
or being whatever i am right now?
because the sad thing is that i'm not insane
i'm just
fucking
bad
at all of this
bonus ramblings:
maybe i should stop treating my issues as skill issues?
maybe i need to return to basic litanies of self control
or maybe just complete dissociation from past failures
"that is not me.
this is now me."
hmmm
Comments
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magilon
this post is a bit old, so sorry. i also don't know if this is helpful, but i get your frustration...in a sense. it can be a lot to try and attack all of your bad habits because you developed them for a reason. there's also a reason you still continue to practice them. if you wish to reduce bad habits, pick one to start. i think it's important to understand why you have the habits to begin with, but don't beat yourself up about them. i think allowing yourself to still have these bad habits throughout your improvement is actually beneficial.
i personally find i am more compliant when i am kind to myself. why would i want to work in the interest of someone who constantly makes me feel so awful just for being me. if you show yourself some grace while also setting boundaries, i think it may be helpful. this is my attempt at least for the moment. i like to believe i have been improving. many ups and downs are present for sure, but i think the overall product has been positive.
it's really hard to hear these things from someone else, but i hope one thing sparks some sort of idea for you. give it a try! we're all learning and you are no different. there's nothing wrong with that.
hi magilon! thank you for words. i am acutely aware that self-loathing is not very helpful and does not do much to fix existing habits. i try to be patient with myself but i don't think human brains were evolved to be very forgiving because i get really frustrated sometimes.
since the time of this post, i have realized some things which sort of help. i don't know if i'm just resigning from efforts to improve or if this is actually how it is.
basically i am putting up with way too many expectations simultaneously with school and family and my actual goals so like it's no wonder i'm constantly falling behind and then relying on third-party sources of satisfaction, which then become bad habits. i have too much work to do for any of it to actually be intrinsically rewarding, even if i would normally enjoy doing stuff like studying when i know i have enough free time to do my own stuff too. i am also just too exhausted to do anything enjoyable.
thanks for like looking at my blog though
by francis, fran; ; Report
you’re so welcome! i’m glad you have come to some realizations. they appear helpful, but i am merely a spectator.
by magilon; ; Report
sometimes all i need is a spectator
somebody watching from afar
you know?
not just like a guardian angel but like
someone who's walked this trail before
by francis, fran; ; Report
I feel the same way! Just someone who can add their insight. Taking advice is nearly impossible when someone doesn't truly get it. It could be good advice, but that means nothing if the delivery doesn't mesh. I wish I had someone like that. Someone who could give me some practical advice, but I know I can't honestly control others, only myself (for the most part). I also lowkey have shit interpersonal skills.
I aim to be that for someone. Maybe I will get that in return someday. The metaphorical world of my existence would turn so much smoother. People helping others that help them who help others...
by magilon; ; Report