No. 2 - An Empty Birdcage

8:59AM - Saturday, Feb 22]

After my recent breakup, the first image that comes to mind representing me is an ironclad birdcage, with what used to hold my fruitful heart, empty and stained in blood after it was ripped out, now rebuilding itself -- cell by cell. Slowly. Painfully. Might as well be a petri dish of affection, or openness to it.

Anyway, I saw a post a while ago on Instagram saying you should ask yourself or your partner these questions to gauge emotionally available you are. I think I should answer them because I never truly wrote down my regrets about my past relationship, especially with regards to my mistakes. 

1. What's something meaningful you learned about yourself from your past relationship?

I am highly triggered by conflict or being ignored, which leads to self-destructing in an isolative way (cutting myself off emotionally, textually, and mentally). I struggled to communicate my own needs during conflict in addition to perceiving someone expressing their needs as strictly passive, not an attack on myself or to say that I did something wrong. I feel remorseful because during my last relationship, stepping away wasn't as productive as it should have been on my part. I detached more than I actually stpped into the feelings, and I wish I sat in my emotions to address why I was upset rather than letting every little thing make me more upset. 

2. How do you typically handle conflict or challenges?

Talking it out, but in person. I've learned that I am not built for long distance (at the moment, maybe in the future), and in moments of challenge, there is always an initial peak of stress from the thought and rush of overwhelming anxiety if I fail. So, I am rejection sensitive and still learning how to accept failure. Anyways, I may be prone to a bout of high emotion at the beginning, but clarifying questions and brief moments of silence to think things through is how I overcome conflicts or challenges. I have a bit of a hard time expressing how I feel, so I often try to solve things first, but to address this I need time to identify why I am upset or why I am freaked out first.

3. What excites you most about building a relationship with someone?

The gift of knowing someone so intricately that you make their life a haven. Not materially, I mean in small things, like when they walk in the room you help them feel at ease. Or they enjoy life 200x more in your presence because the conversations you have, the touch of them, the delicate/intentional nature of their actions make life feel complete. It is a slow process, of course, and not directly answered through questions, but moreso by observation. And I enjoy that. I enjoy the thought (however not having experienced it yet) of growing old with someone and still reveling in every new detail about them, to know someones entirety and feel that it nevers grows old to you. I think knowledge is intimacy, so the act of loving is like a lifelong learning experience, but memorizing these things is a pleasure.