Acceptance of own fatherless behavior

It's 4 am and im a bit sleepy but also my head feels as clear as ever

It probably has a bit to do with still trying to adjust my sleep schedule from korea time to cali time but i think today in particular was a more unique day too

all of these thoughts that I was thinkin about blogging about are kind of jumbled inside my head rn

i recited them in my head before i stood up to grab my laptop but I feel like as if I lose my leash on them again erggg

its like if i was trying to make a pathway on white paper using water. like once the water dries up i cant see the pathway anymore.

 but basically i think what i wanted to say was that i have decided to stop denying that my absence of a good father figure and having a deathly hatred towards my useless fat fuck of a dad has impacted how I take in interactions with different kinds of people

Like i.e. I've always been more prone to grow stronger attachments to male teachers (that I like... obv) than female teachers

but also i realize its kind of a masculinity thing?? like my apush teacher last year was a very independent, strong-willed woman and I never really interacted her that much but she was at the back of my mind for a while because her energy was so overpowering

I also have an affinity for zesty male teachers and I think a lot of people can agree like....they just have the best sides of both!

like i feel like in the current context in this time space in my eye space women shine brighter with masculine traits and men shine brighter with feminine traits

my affinity towards androgyny can be described in either a very complicated way or a very simplified way and both would make sense but that topic doesnt really matter rn lol

The strongest friendship? bond? reliance? I've developed is with my physics teacher.

Reasons:

1. I've known and interacted with him for the longest time out of all the teachers I know. Mainly through club stuff, also taking his classes

2. He lives life very very earnestly and is very hardworking at his job and is just a good person in general! very nice to all his students and i like how he tries to learn something about every student he teaches. thats dedication. and its just nice to see how its visible that he likes his job.

Number 2 is like the big main reason which is why he is a very popular teacher. Also he's just kind of weird. like not in a bad way hes like unique which is why i think he stands out?? Honestly I think his social skills are a little lacking, but not so much to the point where it acts as a negative, but makes him look more friendly and authentic. But basically I think I look (ed?) up to him a lot as if he was my father figure. Like it was nice that he had questions for me and he remembered stuff about me. It is something I have never had and will never have with my own dad.

I literally like. have had a dream where he adopted me before brah.

For a while I was obsessed with this guy and this obsession made me uncomfortable because I couldn't really process where this obsession stemmed from. Yall know me my favorite celebs are all oldies 😝😝😝😝😝so i lowk thought i was a freak or whatever which is why I tried to calm my feelings down?? or something because it just made me feel gross about myself to even consider that

Now with a more rational stance I can give an estimate of it being a mix of both with like 92% of the emphasis being of just fatherless behavior. But at the end of the day I feel like affinity is just affinity. Sexuality, preferences, different ways you percieve different people in are all real things but I think generally I feel the same kinds of affinity to any kind of people I like.

My theory is that the base affinity is the same, but that self-awareness of my identity and status makes me alter the affinity's meaning in some way. I think at the end of the day, the feeling of liking someone in any way shape or form boils down to the same thing.

I have a couple female teachers im very close to and I love them very much. They're so easy to talk to and they're so wonderful and great and kind. I just feel comfortable with them because they feel similar to me in the way they process things and in the way they navigate conversation flow.

But for male teachers i grow attachments to which is literally just my physics teacher actually. like. well first theres the thing that hes just kinda weird at general...white ppl w blue eyes r all kinda freaks tbh but hes like another level bc he literally doesnt fucking blink sometimes where the hell am i even supposed to look. Like he embodies a predominantly masculine persona and its something I don't embody (but a part of me "wants" to embody) so its that difference that brings this weird self-awareness and constant questioning. Like I can say easily oh I love my ___ teacher (female) but while I can say I love my ___ teacher (male), I always feel this odd neccessity to also mention that I also love this other female teacher to sort of balance out the freak meter or idk what to call it. 

but again, in the end base is the same. and even if the core feeling was innately different between how I interact with male and female teachers like idgaf. Bc the point in the end is that I just like talking to them and thats just it and thats all that matters. 

The truth was that this shaky, weird, confusing affinity kinda just got cleared up after I accepted that yeah maybe theres a chance that it couldve had a tinge of romanticness to it but like whatever who the hell cares at the end of the day im fatherless and also talking to ppl u like is a universally enjoyable act 

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As senior year started i dont really have a dilemna over this anymore because i dont really talk to my physics teacher outside of class as often as last year anymore so i think that kinda made me lose affinity a bit

like i still enjoy his company but im not like. staying in his classroom 24/7 even when im not rlly talking to him

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Now im at a kind of similar situation w my busan uncle. MAN. he is like. literally an angel sent from heaven. bro is so zen bro is budha. he is such a hardworking, good soul. and him and his wife r so cute brah. and his wife is also such a sweetttttttttjhhhgj person i love their dynamic eergh i hope they live forever happy man. I want to like. make a lot of money so I can support them somehow if smth happens. theyre so great.

my busan uncle is kind of that father figure/idol person now and I just get sooooo happy whenever I hear anything about him or from him. The way he talks and writes in text messages is so hearwarming and thoughtful like I can tell he thought a lot before sending even just a few sentences and its just like. he puts so much effort and intent into anything he does whether that is writing, leatherworking, carpenting, or social relations and that earnest character just inspires me so much and makes me feel like man. there is more to life than the baka vision I see.

I can proudly say. he is literally the light of my life right now. A part of this strong affinity is from me just wanting him to be my dad instead of this fuckass fuck face uglyass dishonest soon to die fat fuck. Actually that is the majority of where the affinity comes from. He is such a warm and polite person and I love talking about art with him. I honestly cant tell if hes faking it a bit for the sake of politeness or sympathy on my family's circumstances but he also says he likes my art a lot. and that means a lot!! thats like. a lot of validation right there. fuck. i have to draw more

main conclusion at the end of the day i have to live harder and not end up like my dad. like honestly thats the whole point. i want to live life with more effort and passion and make people who are important to me proud and also look after them like they have looked after me. 

like thats all that matters in the end. actually.

its 5 am im so fucking tired gn