i've died and i can't get up

social death is one of my biggest fears.

i'm scared to be in my mid 20s with no friends around, with nobody to talk to.

i know it's unrealistic: unless i do some BIG mistake, i know i won't lose my friends in a day's matter. that's what i hope, at least.

but it doesn't make it any better when i'm aware my circle isn't that big to begin with: all my friends are my closest friends, somewhat. 

as a child, i was very isolated from others: not because i wanted to, but because my parents made it so; and the fact i was bullied didn't help either. i never had big friendships inside my classroom, because we all stuck together for 9 years and we knew each other inside and out, so i just kept by with my 3 friends.

nothing else.

when the moment came to meet new people, changing classes, i couldn't. i was so scared. and i had nobody by my side, either.

for a moment i really though i wasn't getting better. i'd stay like this. no friends, nobody to talk to, nobody to hold me.

thankfully, this deep dark phase of my life passed, and though i'd like to say it's all sunshine and rainbows now, it really isn't. 

i love all of the friends i have in my life now, but it's weird knowing that they're all a million kilometers away, and that i'll probably get to see them once in my life.

i can make friends, but i can't make friends. you get me? it really is hard having to build a social skill on your own when you should've developed it long ago.

it's frustrating... but i have hopes it'll get better.

hoping college is nicer to me. i am surely glad i didn't peak in high school; and i just hope i didn't peak even earlier.

february, 2025