21-2-25, Friday

Oh boy. It's only 07:48. I have a long day ahead of me.

I woke up. My sleep wasn't as good as yesterday but I'm rested enough. I am scared. I don't want to die. I don't want to break. I don't want to hurt myself. Pain, pain, pain, that's all there is out there for me, and I am scared.

Dread.

Make sure Arthur isn't wearing headphones during instruction

Full-body shaking. Sobbing, above the teacher's voice. Again? Again, Again, Again, Again.

I can't do my work. I can't do anything. I

They're breaking me on the spot and telling me to deal with it

telling me to learn

Telling me.

Aggressive knocking on the door.

Yelling. Yelling, yelling, yelling, my deadname, my deadname, my deadname once more. Anger.

Irrational. This is not what people act like. You have to answer to me. Anis?? Anis, Anis, Anis, Anis. You have to go to school.

Just a couple years ago, they would've asked, "what's wrong"?

they would've cared. Not at home, but at school, they would've tried to help, they loved me, I felt loved

Now I'm meant to be a husk that knows no help, that works and obeys, and if they say I don't have a need, then I simply do not have it.

My dad pushed through the shelf at the door. I put it back and put a board behind it. break my house, break my room, break my wall, yeah?

I pissed in a bottle and threw it out.

we're not going out today. I'll feed the birds my raisins and live off the peanut butter. Rest well, baby bird.

16:38

Not a single teacher made me take off my headphones. I'm relieved.

My mom sent me pictures of my breakfast. It was full of things I can't eat, but I appreciated it. 

Eventually, I wrote what happened. She said they'll back me up.

On the drive to school, she mentioned getting legal help. I'm going to a doctor for this next week. So I went to school an hour late. Waited for my counselor. Came back to 30 minutes of class.

Everything went well. Many ask my story, many give me heaps of sympathy and love. I feel ready. This is different. We will make a difference.

I have 2 extra credit points for physics. Peanut butter is delicious. Snufkin is still here with me.

I ran around the garden like a wild animal. I jumped up and down. It feels good. It feels good to have some sort of vertical movement, some sort of terrain. My balance is getting better.

I saw rock pigeons on my way home. There aren't very many of those here, it's usually only doves. It's particularly sunny out.

Snufkin doesn't really wanna hang out. It makes him had to realize into a tulpa, but it's him alright.

I re-stocked my water. I got upset at my dad. Regan isn't well either. No one is well. I need to give Mimay's mom a gift.

I ate velvet smooth cheese scrambled eggs with lots of butter, with salted cucumber sticks and a giant dollop of sour cream. I had the last of my frozen peanut butter squares. I smile at the whole block of feta cheese I stole from the kitchen. 

The birds only liked the potatoes. The raisins are still there.

I'll block my door so that it's physically impossible to get inside at human strength.

I forgot something important.

Goodbye.