school and life seems to be getting better. oh, and im crushin on someone - 21/2/20XX

this year is what i knew was going to be the year of changes. last year was the year of fear, and the one before that was the year of self.

but to be perfectly honest i was mostly expecting bad changes. ive come to try and keep my expectations low on things. in some sort of way to keep myself safe. and in another way, because im used to things being bad. seeing how this year started off, i wasnt expecting much. but at the same time... my mind just couldnt stop making up stories. dreams of a world where im happy and i have friends and that audience ive always dreamed of. and there was something in my soul telling me 

"this is where we're going to find that"

the first week was sure a doozey. you can look at my previous entries for the full feel of it, but i was crushed. i didnt want another year of torture. i would repeat this prayer over and over despite not being a religious person at all. the days leading up to the first day and after, i would pray.

"dear god, jesus, buddha, or any other thing thats watching over me. please help me find my way out of here. im so fragile, i need guidance. please help me find a path to happiness. i want to be alive again. amen"

back in the first and second week, i felt this wrongness deep in my bones. that oh so familiar looming fear. and to be perfectly honest... even though that fear has faded, its still there. i know theres something wrong out there. but its not as... present? maybe cuz im happier. 

theres some days ive felt that fear more present than others. and theres some days i feel unreal. but its getting fewer. and theres been so many days where im happy. satisfied. 

but i know this'll be a long year. 

besides emotion stuff, there has been things that have ACTUALLY happened. like irl. one of the biggest things is uh... getting a crush on somebody on the first day..? so imma call this guy T. 

i DID make a bulletin detailing the whole meeting him for the first time but idk where it went so ill just retell it. i was kinda fucked on the first day mentally, but the one shining light that stood out as special was meeting him. 

we did this activity thing where get given a sheet of basic questions and you have to ask people on your table and around the classroom basic questions like 'how many siblings do you have? do you have a dog or cat?' stuff like that. everyone was too awkward to talk to each other, let alone get up and walk around the classroom. except for one guy. it was this guy. the second tallest guy in the class. very fluffy blonde hair. 

for some context, not only did the planets align on my birthday but one the MORNING of my birthday i dreamt about a boy with blonde hair flirting with me and me being flustered. 

that boy in my dream had blonde hair..

i saw t going around the classroom telling people what to write down and asking their names. and just seeing someone like that so confident made me... nervous. but like, excited nervous. i wasnt getting butterflies but... oooooohhhh no.

then he came over to my table and started asking the people around me for their names, until he eventually came to me. and dude, i was soooooo nervous. he said 

"my names T, im left handed so you can write that down on the sheet. whats your name?" 

i said "percy... you can put down drawing."

"alright"

like... AGRHGRH. and i remember thinking to myself "DO YOU SERIOUSLY HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE ON THE FIRST DAY????" and then tryna gaslight myself being all like "well maybe i was just excited someone wanted to interact with me"

yea when i started the real first week i realised i was def wrong cuz OOOOHHH BOY. wow. hes like... pretty. i just kept saying that in my mind. hes so pretty!!!!!!!!11! and hes smart... and kind.. and respectful.. and mentioned maining spy in tf2 one time (he def gives spy main vibes lol)

but i have TWO things i need to figure out. 1. is he a lil fruity? hes def supportive, but i might need him to be a fruit if we get together!!! 2. is he single

until im like, semi friends with him i prolly wont know this. BUT ANYWAY ILL POST MORE ABOUT HIM ON MY BULLETINS!!!

moving on~

so i technically made one friend. but i have been advised by another friend to not talk to them? let me explain

tuesday first week or somethin i was playin on my 3ds and this guy who ill call F came up to me and was very awkward but said he needed to make friends. i said he was doing better than me, i can barely go up to people. we talked a little, it wasnt too awkward really. but we didnt talk for the rest of the week. mostly cuz i wasnt really in the mood to. 

then last friday we were cooking partners so we kinda had to talk. we could decently keep a convo. buuttt he uh... trauma dumped too much. said stuff about how his parents hated him and he tried overdosing a year ago. i get having issues but... we just met. and it reminded me of my parents and other people ive met who i dont like. i got a bad vibe. 

i told one of my friends about him and it turns out they went to the same group a while back and... f convinced people to cut themselves????? and i got told by two people, dead seriously, do not talk to them anymore. 

it feels weird. but im going to just be careful