i lied

i deleted my last entry. i do in fact still love ellie, but i dont like him anymore. he’s cruel. he’s been lying to me for weeks, sleeping with me without telling me that he was seeing another girl. they’ve been meeting up every weekend. if i knew, i wouldnt have let him touch me. i wish i never let him touch me.

right after i found out he’s been seeing her all this time, he also confessed to having slept with an older woman about 2-3 months ago when he was in chicago. he never told me, and he came right back home and got into bed with me days later. i feel sick, like i need to scrub my skin off of my body. like i need to rip out my fucking v**ina. i feel like im infested, i cant believe he would touch me after that. 

he’s so cruel.

and his new girlfriend isnt any better than him, i told her about our relationship and all she could say was “clearly you guys arent working.” ironic, seeing as he's been with me all this time and kept you a secret. they’re still together. and im not allowed to reach out to her again because even after everything, im still afraid to lose ellie. he said if i ever spoke to her again, he would ditch me for good. i wish i wasnt so weak and pathetic.