call & response

i am a pillbug. i am buried under the dirt very very very far away. curled up and unmoving. sleeping and breathing. when i want to, i can hear what’s going on above the surface of the earth. i hear people talking. i hear animals communicating. i hear rustling. i hear decay. i hear time moving. 

because i am curled into a ball nothing has been able to harm me. i am curled so tightly it would be hard to unfurl myself. enough time goes by where i start to think about it.

slowly, i move my pillbug legs and i start to dig myself out. i’m so excited. the earth sounds so vigorous. i’ve heard so many sounds and now i will see them. i dig and i dig. i dig for so long, i start to wonder if there is a surface after all. perhaps i just imagined it. 

suddenly, pinpricks of light emerge. i have unfurled myself entirely. i walk on a blade of grass. i climb a tree trunk. i eat moss. everything is much bigger than i thought it would be. i try not to be scared. why should i be scared? the world allowed me to dig up. i was born with pillbug legs for a reason. there must be some use to them.

the longer i exist on the surface of the earth, the lonelier it becomes. i have realized all the things i heard before are not around. where is everybody? i call out, but i am much too small to be heard. i imagined that maybe there would be other pillbugs around. i would create elaborate stories in my head about love and friendship. i keep calling out. where are you? where are you? still no answer. it cannot be forced when there is nobody on the other side. 

but then… to my surprise, after a long while of walking, i find other pillbugs. they are different shapes and sizes than me, and there are many of them. it seems like there is reason in this congregation. i follow some around, trying to do as they do. they entertain me, the stranger, until they grow bored. once new, exciting and shiny, never before seen. and then, all of a sudden, small and flawed and just like everyone else. still, i follow the other pillbugs. they pay no mind.

one day, a bird pecks at us. it’s beak makes the ground shake and everyone rolls up as to not get hurt. i see a glimmer in the birds eye and for a moment it seems worth it to be the one to be caught as its prey, if it meant something would see purpose in my existence, if it meant something wanted me with no second thought.

still, i do what i am best at. i dig. and i go down once more. the cool damp earth at my sides. i dig deeper than i ever did before. the rumbling goes away. the bird goes away. the pillbugs go away. the doubts go away. the want goes away. the need goes away. and i curl into a ball once more. it was much too scary out there. it is much safer to do what i know.