2/19/25

I think programming or rather "reprogramming " my brain to view the world in a less combative manner will help me. My inclination towards the "ought to" vs "is" perspective makes me more and more depressed. Not to say I plan on having a defeated attitude but more so focusing on small scale change in my life. I think I have spent so long in paralyzed fear that the unknown freedom of being brave  almost feels like a betrayal of my own identity, I have grown used the the oversized sweater of weariness and helplessness. I think by limiting myself I tried to preserve some semblance of a part of myself from childhood that went unexplored or suppressed due to circumstance also just from having the type of parents I do. 

Any sort of relationship worth having is based on mutual effort, respect, and care. I think part of the reason I lean into more selfish tendencies in my other relationships in my adult life comes from the exhaustion of living with people who never consider me or my feelings or even really like me. Its made me more critical of other people and selfish in some regards. (At least for now, I am always a work in progress never a final draft.) I often find myself in silent opposition to others. I either think they are judging me or find myself judging them. Words are so hard for me and taking up space feels even harder sometimes. 

I think the only moments I feel a true sense of love and kindness is the the quiet confessions of love rather than the big gestures. Remembering a song I liked, a dream I shared, the type of fruit I like... those smaller details of my personhood. I have only felt that way a handful of times in my life. I don't know how loud or quiet I love or want to be loved. All I really know is I need my love to be loud enough to hear and be heard. (And for it to be louder than the angry pit in my stomach.) 

I want to be full of love and compassion more than I want to be scared and angry.