I hate being in a religious enviroment

Being kind of atheist or agnostic is HELL when you're in a religious family, with religious friends, in a (kinda) religious school. Like there's no where for me to run away to, no where for me to be comfortable, nowhere to be myself, I feel like an outcast.

FYI, I'm in a Muslim household, and it's just.. exhausting. I hate having to pray all the time to a God I don't even know if I believe in. I think about religion all the time, all the stuff in it I don't agree with or just don't make sense.. 

I hate wearing a hijab, but at the same time I feel uncomfortable without it like I feel immense guilt.. even though I know I barely believe in Islam. 

I never understood why it was seen as a crime for someone to become ex-muslim or something, like why is it so hard to understand that  I disagree with the rules in the religion..  and I simply don't want to follow it? And then they'll say stuff like 'oh you where misguided!' or some shit, like, no, I've learnt about Islam my whole life, and I don't see it as a religion I want to follow.

My mum always nags me about praying, I usually skip/forget about prayer, I usually pray like once or twice a day (sometimes not at all, but I try to pray at least once so that my mum isn't too upset), and she's going crazy. She keeps saying 'go pray' , I just wish she gets a little more lenient. She expects me to be a perfect child, good grades, never going out, pray 5 times a day, read Quran everyday.. I know she's trying to do what's 'best for me' (well in her perception), but I hate the fact that she'll probably never understand me, even if I do tell her, she'll be heartbroken. I love my mum, no matter how strict she can be, she still cares for me, even if I do sometimes annoy her by wanting to hang out with my friends, at the end of the day she still loves me and I'm grateful for that. 

Plus, even if she does accept me (which is extremely rare considering she's hella religious), the rest of my family would see me as a disappointment. 

A part of me wants to rebel, wants to be myself without caring about what others think, but I also kinda wish I wasn't like this, so that I don't need to live with my façade in front of others, so I don't burden my mind with these contrasting thoughts. 

Now, about school, oh how I hate it there.

I live In a small area of my town which has the most Muslims, so even if the school I go to is a non-religious school, a lot of the pupils and some of the teachers there are Muslim. Soo yeah.. I can't even escape my home life to my friends. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, they're more open minded than the rest of the people in my school, and they won't stop being my friend if I tell them if I'm not muslim.. but like.. they would probably feel uncomfortable, or they would try to slightly revert me. 

Even If they are more accepting, they say stuff like "Atheist are so stupid, you might aswell follow a religion because there's less of a chance to burn in hell if they're incorrect." I had so much to say back to that.. but of course, I kept quiet. 

I hate this, I hate living in a life, a body which isn't me, I just want to run away into a land where I could forget this, forget everyone. 

On top of me being already an outcast, I'm alternative, but it's hella hard to be that way when you're surrounded by religious, narrow minded people with religious parents. I vaguely dress alt though, so it's not too noticeable.

"Just rebel!" I don't want my life to fall apart.. it's not that easy when you're living with parents who follow cultural norms (my parents are south asian immigrants), and that they're Muslim. Well I'm ever so slightly 'rebelling' (according to my parents, wanting to hang out with your friends is too 'reckless')... Like, I'm not even a bad kid, compared to others my age, like I just wanna hang out, wear my own clothes, and be myself, is that too much to ask? Is that too 'rebellious'? Is that too 'troublesome'?? And what I mean by hanging out is to just go on long walks with them, stay over at their house, go to the park with them. 

I'm posting this public just encase if anyone else can relate to me, I feel so alone. I might private this though.

(this is no hate to anyone who believes in religion, this isn't me trying to disprove religion, this is just my experience and opinion)

+sorry for any grammar mistakes T-T