I don´t know what to do

I got a job. They won’t pay me much, but… it’s something, I guess. I feel so miserable. I suppose I still haven’t gotten over how alone I am. My social anxiety keeps getting worse every day. And so does my desire to disappear.

Now my family is happy… at the cost of me feeling like shit. And I have to act like everything’s fine because otherwise, I’d just be ungrateful.

I often think… adulthood is hard. Society is hard because that’s how people decided it should be. Feeling lonely or miserable isn’t some accident—it’s just the way the world works, where individualism comes first. Meanwhile, so many people out there are just… starving for affection.

I don’t really consider myself the kind of person who should be surrounded by a lot of people. I like isolating myself. But I can’t deny that I’m a social being too, and every time I’m alone, I feel like shit. It’s frustrating. I don’t know what I want. And fuck, I’m scared. So fucking scared of making a mistake because I’ll be the one to deal with the consequences.

I feel like… I don’t even know where to start to heal. Fuck, I just want something—so badly. Is that selfish? Wanting to feel something so intensely, just to feel something? Maybe that’s why I read books… That feeling of pain in my chest from emotions—it’s comforting in a way. But sometimes, the pain gets so sharp that I have to hurt myself just to stop feeling it in my chest. And fuck… it’s terrible.

Sometimes, I think my fear comes from the relationships I’ve had. All of them… All of them were traumatic in some way. But one… one of them ruined me.

It made me… so insecure. So much that… I lost myself, I guess.

I… I want to give up on everything.