18-2-25, Tuesday

History party went well. I dressed good, I felt good, i talked well, i was well-informed - i was relaxed and happy. I watered down lemonade out of my alcohol cup and had a great time eating hotdogs and strawberries.

Then Health class came up. Coach Diddy really likes to breathe loudly. It started with harmless twitching. Then I hyperventilated. I shook uncontrollably, i made involuntary sounds, then I cried for 20 minutes straight. At the end of it all, I just felt broken in.

The day kept going and I felt less and less sensitized to the world and it's troubles. It was nice up until about 3 hours later, when I just sat in a corner and drank my lemonade and started at a wall for half an hour straight. Snufkin has left me almost entirely. Social norms and self awareness had hung themselves dry.

Eventually, at Environmental Engineering - I sat down at my table, a rare occurrence, as my friends really like to chew gum. With ugly faces and open mouths, fingering their gum with their tongue exposed. But I wanted to listen to it. I wanted to listen to it and watch jt break me. The pain brought me pleasure at that point.

Then we had a lockdown - for non Americans, that's our gun drill/school intruder drill. It was dead silent. Except for the two fucks chewing gum.

I sat through it. My brain clung onto every AWFUL FUCKING DISGUSTING DEATHLY HORRIBLE INHUMANE AND CRUEL MOVEMENT OF THEIR MOUTH. i told them im sensitive to the sound. But nobody understands the weight of it. 

I hit my head against the metal garage door. It makes a loud sound.

Eventually I pull my hat over my ears in an uncontrollable action, and when the lockdown was done, I just fell asleep on the cold cement floor, leaning against a cold metal table.

When I woke up, I went back forward. Legend was as threatening as can be. I didn't understand the instructions for the assignment. I did it d wrong and handed it in.

I invited Bingo to my house and we chatted and had a great time. They don't like peanut butter. I may not pay attention to much, but I remember exactly what they like and dislike in full detail. they're important to me.

I ended the day with cheese and Stephen Universe. Legend's birthday is on Friday and I'm not wishing him happy birthday. I'd like to think it's not out of spite, but out of uncertainty - for the sake of distance. 

Scary yelled at me to do my homework. I told her to shut the fuck up. She hadn't done it in years. She doesn't get to do it. She also told me to stop eating so much fat and watch my portions. I'm a healthy weight, mind you. Fucking bitch. I hope she follows up on all her threats to die soon. It'll make a lot of our lives easier.

22:00.