after all

So much has happened since my last blog, and I don't even know how to begin to update you.

First, my school and I went on a school trip and it was really and truly enjoyable, I had the chance to talk with all of the people in my grade. Including those I didn't know existed lol. But overall, this experience had a significant impact mostly on me as an individual.

I realized who should be with me and who doesn't deserve this. I had good chances to say my opinion even tho not everyone agreed with me or even started fighting with me over my opinion, isn't it just so stupid? I mean, it's just the way I view the world it's not like I am making you believe in the same thing. I think I was the only one who actually had this kind of point of view, unfortunately. Maybe me and the boy I talked about in previous blogs. Gosh, this guy...

On this trip, I discovered so much more about him than before. It's not like we were friends but not strangers somewhere between. He spoke about this relationship with his father, which is really similar to mine. He spoke about his view on religion, if you guys do not know yet, I have a really strong opinion on religion positively. We both keep our first sabbath together. Whenever there was a discussion, we always were on the same page. What was really something that was really the biggest "sign" for me was the fact that he got my name in a raffle. He gave me a heart-shaped candy and said really nice things. Like is it destiny or just my delusions? I guess both. I wish this was his genuine impression of me because I think he is an interesting person and I wish we could just talk instead of making awkward eye contact at school. Isn't it absurd that we are so alike?

Secondly, there is another guy I want to know better. But this time it might be doable. He is less of a snub and more open to actually getting to know in person. Oh my god how much I want to talk to him more. He is so nice AND HE SMELLS SO GOOD. I'd never thought of him before this trip, not even as a friend. But I guess this is faith. I hope he will get the idea that I kinda like him. I don't even know how to put it into words. It's not a romantic attraction or sexual attraction because right now, it's hard for me to imagine him kissing me or even touching me. But I feel like there is something about him, I don't know, I guess time will tell.

I feel like I got really close with my other classmates and they got the real impression of me like they should, but some girls were really mean to me. I don't know if it's just their personality but something really weird is going on. I have no idea what they think to themselves, but I'm sure they got the wrong impression of me. I am the last person who likes to argue even about the smallest things. But it feels like one girl is turning a group against me. Maybe I'm delusional again, but it just kinda seems like that. I don't know I am really confused.

Anyway, we had an after party and gosh... the things that happened there... I was really drunk, but like, REALLY. I couldn't go home by myself so I had to go with someone else. I almost threw up and said some crazy stuff. I've never been drunk in my life. I am not this kind of person but it was so fun. I know what I did was bad for me but I couldn't help it but to keep drinking. My girlfriends told me they literally took the cup out of my hand but I somehow managed to get more, what the flip? so many kids as also very drunk even more than I was. uhh, I wish at least something good could come out of this... like him helping me and walking me home... just kidding he didn't even come to this party.

I wish that everyone just forgot that it happened.

god bless