ᯓ★2.16.25

i suppose i'm doing better than i was in my last blog post. my mind has cleared of the self deprecating fog and since then, i've visited family and friends in chicago. i went to a showing of dinner in america that included a cast q+a after and then got so scared to meet the actors that i bolted out of there. very lame, i know, but i have my reasons. it was a ~spiritual~ experience watching my favorite movie in a theater with other folks who fully understood theater etiquette and love that film as much as i do. i also had a lot of fun driving myself there and back to where i live the rest of my life (a city i'm growing sick of day by day) and spending money i don't exactly have. what is life about if not making poor choices that lead to endless joy? if we didn't live in a society then my choices wouldn't look so poor. 

anyway, back in the city which i reside, i'm growing sick of The Book Store, which i will be capitalizing from now on because it emphasizes my negative feelings towards it as my workplace and distinguishes it from any other old book store. speaking of which, i went to a book store (lowercase) in chicago that was so lovely, but they only sold new books which are beautiful to look at and refrain from buying, so instead i picked out something i've never seen in a store before, which was a sticker book. like, a book full of sticker material pages for storing your own stickers. i'm immeasurably excited about that sticker book. sometimes it's just impossible to find the perfect place for a unique sticker, therefore it must go in the sticker book for organized cherishing! 

back to The Book Store, though, i got my annual raise which i appreciate because i do actually work my ass off (equivalent to how much i get paid, don't worry, i'm just constantly exhausted anyway) and i'm good at everything i do. well, i'm at least "meeting expectations" with everything i do, and only exceeding at a few select things--mostly referring to the technical duties, seeing as i have always despised customer service. what sucks the most is not the job itself, anyway, its that i'm constantly at the job. i work 40 hours a week, which is supposedly normal (normalized) but i have zero time for myself. i have desires outside of shelving books all day, such as even reading them which is frowned upon while on the clock. i want to go back to school, but i need the entire paycheck. they gotta invent a job that pays you more the less you're there. i can always begin self studying, but what i want to go to school for is something along the lines of video production/editing/whathaveyou, i just don't currently have anything to edit. i sometimes consider writing up a script or just splicing together an edit like you might see on tiktok, but my creativity chamber has essentially dried up. i haven't done any collage art in weeks, can barely get through books at the rate i started this year going, and i currently have to pee which is starting to hurt. i'm out of things to say, anyway. one of these days, i'll come in here and list out only a bunch of impressive, cool shit that i accomplished. guess this is all you get for now.