18) fuck wall because fuck this

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

AGH

this is a childish expression of frustration

frustration is childish for several reasons

maturity is understanding that emotions are not me

maturity is knowing that desires for sensations are not me 

i am not these things

fuck

maybe frustration is knowing that i know these things but still act like a child

maybe frustration is awareness of the child

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

i hate myself

if acknowledging fault is the first step of growing

then i have been stuck on step 1 for ages

someone kill me so i can be born without a biochemically refreshed brain

i know that this thought is also childish

my brain is just fine

i am what needs to change

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

maybe this is the richness and fullness of the human condition that camus was talking about

getting fucking stuck on your own self

unable to move until detached

buddhist existentialism?

my arrogance is childish

like children i do dumb shit and regret it right after

maybe there is no such thing as growing up

i had to say these things to vent enough regret out to fall asleep

goodnight again