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i'm starting daily reflection blogs because i think it helps to reflect at the end of the day instead of just crashing into the oblivion of sleep. that way i don't keep repeating mistakes.
today i:
- woke up
- got my dad angry
- binge eating, doing stats homework, and sleeping off the rot
- repeated that twice despite hating how it felt
- hung out with my sister
- i sorta did some music stuff but it wasn't really anything substantial, i just jammed out for a while and didn't really push myself to record or write or practice anything
- got food and did chores. felt super shitty the whole time because i was set on actually writing music and instead got stuck doing chores.
- instead of like, recognizing that i was rotting and doing something to counteract that, i played videogames with a friend for like 3 hours. i could've done what i actually wanted to do, which was write music or listen to albums, but i did the easy thing i guess.
- now i'm here
i keep repeating this mistake: i make really bad decisions for myself (because they're short-term addicting) and then i'll regret it, but instead of changing my actions i just fall for the same trap again and again and it's so fucking annoying
why do i fucking suck at making reasonable decisions and being happy
(because i'm a human who has spent past decisions honing bad habits)
today was a good chance for that too since i was mostly free... tomorrow i have to deal with my dad giving my a driver's lesson and potentially working some tutoring hours. i'm grateful for my dad but i already know he's going to take the opportunity to just lecture me on the same, naive lessons. someday he needs to learn that some things can't be taught, even if they must be learned.
welp. as per usual i end the day with unfulfilled dreams. knowing me, i will wake up with them tomorrow and probably trash them with idiotic decisions.
i piss myself off more than anyone.
goodnight spacehey.
- francis t.
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Jegg
Sounds tough fran
Its such a challenge to crawl out of rot