14-2-25, Friday

Morning. 08:05

I had woken up from another dream about Legend. at 6:30 Sharp, and marched my way downstairs to do my cleaning. And Scary was there, sitting on the couch in her morning robe.

So I went straight back up.

Just a couple ago, at 8, I went back down, prepared for Scary's never-ending, disgustingly intrusive and dangerous presence, and my dad is there too, frying something green. As I consider, for a couple moments, whether to stay or leave, scary goes "Okay, you can start wiping the counters, mop the floor-" And so I leave. My footsteps are heavy as I go back upstairs. "I'll do that too, when your friends come!" - Scary. I'm afraid I'll never get this done like this. I didn't even agree to mop the floor. The agreement was cupboards and chairs, and that's what I'm sticking to.

I need to shower, but I don't have clean clothes to change into. I need to relax, but everything is awful. I need to hustle but everything is paralyzing. I am a green bird, shot in the wing by my mother, limping towards freedom and cornered by a great large fox, I am a green bird, screaming far, and nobody hears me, because nobody cares, nobody knows, nobody knows! What a lovely, lovely life. And I'll take the blame for all of it. Instead of aiming for the wing, aim for the back of my head, will ya? I'm done with this, my love.

it was 9:30 and I finally started cleaning. Made some blini, too. Scary offered to finish cooking as I started cleaning.

It was okay. She told me "happy valentines day". And I think this was a statement of appreciation - but she said something like "you brought out things from me i didn't know what possible". I asked for clarification, and she mentioned her anger. The conversation kept moving, and she told me that she's fixed herself now, and that she's innocent because "well I didn't know you had ADHD - no one told me" and I told her "well it's still not necessary to give your child PTSD." she then made fun of the idea and told me I don't know PTSD - I live in absolute paradise. I haven't seen hunger, I haven't seen pain or suffering - we're not a poor family in Tajikistan. We're middle class american. It's interesting how she views suffering as purely material. She kept doing, but at that point I just said "uhuh" and "i see" and moved on. 

18:25

Yo yo yo! it's Arthur, and I had a great time. I invited all my gayest best friends and it was such a good environment. I was able to tolerate Scary despite all the remarks, and I did lots of fun things, and I finished my therian mask in the group activity I hosted, and no one bat an eye! I even got all the parts I liked the most.  Some people even said they'll add it to their portfolio. I made a nice playlist with all of my friends' contributions and we watched snufkin animatics. Maybe, the environment I was seeking - in Legend's basement, in my heart - maybe it was here with me all along.

And I ate everything! all the sweets and things, and I might've thrown up from overeating, but because I wasn't as stressed anymore and because I threw up, my blood sugar isn't deathly high :] it's only at 144. It was lots of drama, lots of gayness, lots of neurodivergent art kid things. I am a happy, happy bird. It's crazy how on a normal day I'd get up to 185 after eating 2 treats, but on a happy, slightly more relaxed day with people that don't question me or stress me out, I'm basically not even prediabetic.

I'll be going now, goodnight my feathered friends.