Legend.

Legend keeps showing up in my dreams. Keeps both befriending and rejecting me. He's a source of safety and a big threat. I don't know why my brain cares so much about him - but i suppose he hasn't made it too clear if he just doesn't care about me or if there's something else going on.

But it's clear I'm different to him, I think. He has straight up ignored me many times. He always glances my way, always watches me. If I make a sudden movement or look in a different direction, he'll look up or over to where I'm looking - and he doesn't do that with other people. So he keeps me in his peripheral, takes note of my existence more, and responds to me less.

He was such an odd guy, but I became even odder. We've had such strange, friendly heart-to-hearts and yet none of our actual conversations go well. Then, one day, he showed me a boykisser meme vent, where the little fuzzy dog was saying "my mom threatened to khs to me :3" or something like that. I told him, "I was that kid once - and he got interested, and asked me to tell him the story sometime.

And so one day, I did - it was a long walk, a crazy, one sided conversation - one he responded with friendly support to, and then - starting that day - the awakening of my CPTSD, the regression of my brain, the connection to him as a source of safety, the delusion that he's the type I can stay around and say nothing - and the start to my idea of Kapitän Kraken. 

He was my embodiment of discipline. He was sharp and precise, always clean, always cold to the outside. He served in the royal Navy - something I was thinking I would be doing when I'm old enough. And he had his one friend Legend, who worked in a greenhouse. Legend was charismatic in the open way, he was friendly and cool, and I based some of his aesthetics with the 90s worker man (that's how he dresses now - with the funny paperboy cap and a nice jacket or sweater) and some with Fallout: New Vegas (a game he really liked)). Kraken was a hard-set communist - in fact, he as a character started off as a cooler USSR countryhuman. He's built on the odd view the fandom has on the USSR - and I suppose it's the coolest of cool Russian people, as a lot of those can be the beliefs are ones kraken shared and beautifully mastered.

Anywho, it's an odd world. I started following the real life legend around and spending time with him like that. Not saying anything. He's mentioned it before as something he got used to, something he enjoys. I actually got a lot of insight into what I now consider a somewhat stranger. And eventually he told me that his Schizophrenia makes him think I'm stalking him. He also later told me that I'm boring - because I haven't opened up yet. He's a very honest man, and I really like that about him. I love it when people can just look at me and say - "Arthur, here is exactly the way in which I think you suck, here you go". It's more loving than any compliment one could ever have. It's help, in the real way, and it's a little selfless if you think about it.

Eventually we just started avoiding each other - after I rold him about my attachment to him. It was a mutual, agreed apon action. Then we stopped, and after he recently lightly snapped at me (he was having a particularly bad day I believe), and made my fight or flight go off once again (it happens, without exaggeration, half of the times i am in his vicinity - so it's safe to say there've been many, many, many times - as we sit in a class together and share a friend group.) Actually, recently Legend stopped coming over to my friend group, stopped talking to them all. Right after he noticed he triggered me, actually. I wonder what's going on with him. He doesn't sit at my table either. Does he need help?

If he needs help, I may have failed every previous time, I might be the worst man for the job, I don't even know anything about what's going on and whether it's actually related, but I'll be damned if I don't try and do something.

Thing is, I have that feeling because I want him to know I care about him. I want him to recognize that we all care about him and love him as much as any other member of sustainable science - maybe even more. He's an important part of us, he's the charismatic talker and the viewer of all worlds, and the goofy dude that people want to talk to, and despite being my worst fear, he's also someone I started caring about too deeply, and that's not something that's easy to cut. He's still a good dude. And no matter what I tell myself, let's be real - I really want to be friends with him.

It's a bit of a self destructive course of action. It's not logical, any way you put it. But despite everything, it's real, I don't have to talk to him, I don't want to get anywhere near him, and I get a large rush of adrenaline any time we make eye contact, and I still want to make sure that he'll be alright. Croutons and sour cream. Green onion eggs on the stove. Melted cheese on borodinskiy bread.

Good morning, bird.