Crying a lot and trying marijuana

it feels like its been a month but it also feels like it hasnt been that long

its been fun but also just really hard. I keep going back and forth between "fuck my baka life" and "I love yuri and consumerism!" and "i love my family and there is hope for the future!"

WAIT. korean apple juice is goated

anyways 

I hope my dad kills himself soon and I wish I can induce it but then hes gonna bitch and complain to everyone and I'll look like a bad kid so instead I will secretly pray and curse him every night while we keep up with this shitass facade of a family. I hope his corpse is never cremated or buried and is just thrown raw into the ocean so that his soul never finds peace and he suffers forever. 

My mom is painfully incapable in a lot of ways. She thinks me and my brother are her emotional wastebag where she can just rant nonstop and expect us to do something. and then she bitches and says therapy is expensive. bitch pick between ur kids' mental health and therapy. r u srs. I love her at least more than my dad but she is so. insufferable. I've been feeling like I've been babysitting her this whole entire stay. She doesnt listen to me, her brothers, or her own dad like wtf am I supposed to do then. 

JUST GET A FUCKING DIVORCE. None of the 2 want to do ANYTHING and just expects everyone around them to do something about it. HELLO?????? 2 full grown adults perfectly incapable. what the actual fuck. MY FUCKING BAKA LIFE!!!!!! I wish I can just throw myself into the snow and freeze to death. I miss my grandma. I hate my parents. I miss my friends. I love my 2nd eldest uncle.

My 2nd eldest uncle is such a gentle soul and I really. like. hope he and his family live forever happy. I have never met such a kind loving person like he is literally a beacon of life. I'm so glad I met him and got to talk to him and spend time with his family. I'm so sad. I wish I was adopted into their family. FUck my parent.s. I want to kill myself. I miss grandma.

I love consumerism!! I'm filling in my void of mature adults with toxic yuri and fixations on random characters that also want to kill their dad (emily from class of 09 ^_^) I bought some clothes, books, and gfifts for friends. I feel miserable and I miss my friends.

My grandpa has marijuana😭😭😭😭fyi marijuana is illegal in korea....LOL he said he got it from his friend. I asked my mom if I could try it and she said yes!! I dont feel anything that much though. Maybe its supposed to be more subtle. I feel a bit sleepy but idk if thats from the marijuana or if im just tired. Or it could be a placebo effect. I think?? I feel calmer???? I'll see if it does anything more if I sit around for longer

I have. so much. fucking homweork to catch up with. But I'm so thankful that I dont have to to usabo and scioly anymore. god fucking bless. Maybe my grandma was thinking about this too in terms of timing. I miss her. Its 2nd semester senior year so theres less pressure. I'll find time to do it because now I have so much more free time and less stress now that the competition related clubs are over! Now I just have to focus on school mainly so I feel good. I'll pull through.

My 2nd eldest uncle is so. man. fuck. fuck my practically fatherless ass. My dad is such an annoying incapable bitchy misogynistic control freak pessimistic depressed stankyass fat fuck. My 2nd eldest uncle is like. so. hes so cool and hes such a kind soul. man. he could be a religion tbh (he is)

Im pretty sure I gained weight. though i dont know fs. I havent been really keeping track of what Im eating. nor have I been doing my usual exercise. I try to walk around a lot to compensate but also all my relatives keep trying to feed me...STOP IT!!!! 

lists and lists of things to stress about but that can wait till after I come back. I just want to stop crying and just. do nothing. and just think about nothing.