13-2-25, Thursday

The firefighters were so cool!! Career day was a blast, I am most interested in the people doing U.S. fish and wildlife service, and some sort of research in Antarctica. I got lots of cool stuff - first aid kits, birdwatching guides, an American flag (huh??). The people were really nice.

I then had my knee doctor appointment. They prescribed me some anti-inflammatory drugs and said i should get physical therapy. My dad explained and stood firm on my identity instead of just going with my legal name and gender which checking me in, which made me really happy. I like seeing him confident. He isn't usually like that.

During all the car rides, I entertained the idea of fighting fires for a job, with my dad. He didn't seem super against it at first, but I think he thought I was joking, or he just didn't mind it as a side path if I fail school. Or both. But i think that really is the carrer path that seems most appealing. I hate school. You hear me? I hate school!! And i don't need any of that to work that firefighter guy's job.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day, and the day we will all be celebrating our singleness together. I personally am most pleased with my independence, but my peers aren't. But that's okay! we will all have a grand time. I bought a large jug of chocolate milk for them all, and we will be making furry masks. We'll have hear-me-out cupcakes, too. I'm not sure what to cook myself, though - I might try making blini.

My room is a mess, I have Scary's streamer on my table. I steamed my coat this morning, by the way - and my shirt too. I need to take out the trash.

Dad's talking about going on a trip, either to Florida or London. I wouldn't like to go on either, I think. Not with scary being there. I really want an internship somewhere fun.

Today my pupils were huge all day. I didn't wear headphones, and I didn't think I felt that bad - but all day, they were absolutely enormous. Something must be going on.

I liked my hat, my dad's tie, my coat and my socks. It was a very well put-together outfit. Tonight I have to clean the cupboards and chairs to Scary's liking, because I agreed to it for the party. She keeps insulting me, telling my dad not to get me things because I don't deserve it, and taking photos of me with my direct rejection of consent. It's okay though. She's just kind of insane.

Well, yeah, that's my life today. Legend concerns me still, but he's okay. I think we tolerate each other now. Idk what's going on with him.

I want melted cheese

17:51

As a kid, I've always been concerned about being shot through the window by someone I don't see. I've always listened for every crack in the floor and made sure nobody in my family was secretly watching me. I made sure nobody can hear any media I have on. I'm always scared deeply that anything I have on the TV will be seen and judged. Even when I know they're all asleep - because maybe someone will wake up and think it's okay to bother my moment of peace.

Well, it's not even peace anymore. Another extension of the unfiltered fear that follows me anywhere they have the capacity to be. I could be walking in a different town and still fear seeing their car, still watch the road, looking out for it. They don't know how much deeper they push the blade in every time their asses show up in a space I wanted to consider my own.

I sit now, in the kitchen. I am to be cleaning. Instead I did my Duolingo lesson. Did you know that I now have a German score of 38?

What does that mean? idk. But it's some sort of number I guess.

My coffee is gross and my sleep is neither here nor there. No, who am I kidding? it's here loud and clear and I'm simply fighting it. I need to wipe the cupboards and the chairs. pretend my friends will give a fuck because my mom said so.

I wish I could be a bird on the roof of an old soviet apartment building. I'd watch everyone below me and no scrappy old cat would ever be able to come close. I'd steal people's food and I'd fight with foxes. And I'd hide from snow, and feel uncomfortable and weak, but untouchable.

My head is spinning. I get the idea that this isn't the best time to be cleaning. I'll just half ass it tomorrow I suppose. Early morning. No one wants to be awake in the early morning, and right now I am paralyzed by both sleep and fear. I know exactly what's going on outside my window. I know every man that's awake. And the coffee isn't helping. Soon, I will simply collapse in on myself like a bad physics demonstration, and cease to exist. I hold out my knife towards every sound the fridge makes. I feel my eyes hurt because my pupils have been so big all day and I think all the light is damaging my eyes at this point.

It's bad. It's okay, it's good even, but it's bad. I know that my nervous system no longer bothers me, but I also know it's very much still awful. Existence in my life - not to sound edgy - is a little lot bit of torture, because nothing becomes into everything, and everything means nothing anymore.

Peanut butter dreams with dark chocolate chips, a cheese platter with many flavors and textures to never get bored, a grackle's feather glimmers on the sidewalk.The sky is lovely blue and the bus stop is right by your house. The leaves have just started falling, covering the sidewalk in small bunches of a delicious burnt orange. Your face is red, and yellow, and green, and white, and blue, and purple, and gray. Sleep well, baby bird.

22:35