2/13/25

i think im in a depressive episode. everything is boring and im exhausted all the time. i cant ever really tell that it’s happening until im on the tail end, so im hoping it will end soon.

sometimes im worried i fake it, but i know i dont. imposter syndrome is a bitch, isnt it? i mean, i was literally diagnosed with the shit years ago, and it was much worse then. im medicated for it. why would i be faking? hell, im in therapy for it. people worry because of the remarks i make about my own life.

but that’s not what youre here for.

the day was boring, so boring it borderlined shitty. this morning was freezing, so i couldn’t wear what i wanted. actually, i didnt wear what i REALLY wanted because i thought it would look stupid with my jeans, which i realize in hindsight that it’s actually cool. i digress. the outfit i landed on is more Shizuku HXH (who i adore, but its too plain for my taste), when i really wanted to feel more Mabel Pines or Miss Frizzle. 

but that wasn’t really all. i have an eating disorder, and it fucking sucks. ive gained so much weight recently (30lbs) because of a binge cycle, and i really noticed the physical side effects this morning. so now im both cold and insecure. because im fat! i really truly am. 

then another thing, i am way too emotional. when a character i identify with gets wronged, i get sad and angry to an extreme where im about to cry and scream and want to hurt a man, even though hes fictional. it gets to where i want to stop reading because it hurts. and i realize how stupid i sound for writing this, but its my blog and i get to bitch about whatever i want. anyway, this guy was just using the main character and it pissed me off so much because he was so nice to her, and i wanted them to have a happy ending. but of course they couldn’t have a nice thing. 

anyway, class is almost over. nothing really happened today.

ttyl