Radically accepting life as it is

Since I was a little girl I have always longed and craved better. Better treatment from my father and stepmom. Better living conditions. Better/genuine friends. And a better mental health.
Even at 24 I still sought better from life. 
Better connections and better understand from others. That ended yesterday.

Yesterday I realize, truly realized, that constantly expecting better or even just to get to the consideration or good will I put out into the world is not worth it. Trying to encourage people to be better (as me, myself. Not as a collective society) isn't worth it. 

I have always felt that when I speak or try to offer advice it goes in one ear and out the other with most people. I do not know what it is about my disposition that screams "Ignore this one. They have nothing of interest to say. Nothing of worth to believe in. And nothing of value to protect.

I have never know what about me demands undermining, abuse and even betrayal from those closest to me. But I understand now that no matter how hard I try I cannot change this. No matter how open and honest and genuine I am I cannot change the fact that the "better" I seek will not come. 

I am trapped in this world. Surrounded by people who say they love me only as long as my dreams and ambitions and kindness don't interfere with their own goals/indifference towards world struggles.

As disjointed as I feel writing this I hope it is realized that everything I say is connected. And I no longer hope for "better".

The world is what it is. People have tried for thousands of years to make it better and we will continue to fight for thousands more (should the human race survive that long).

I cannot leave this world though I do very desperately want to. I have a plan for leaving but can't enact it. We think we're free but trapped and forced to continue to suffer or else they lock you in a loony bin. *sigh*

All this to say hoping for and trying to bring about a better world/life for myself has failed for 24 miserable years. And I'm done hoping.