im 21 and i still have all my wisdom teeth.

I haven't had a good birthday since I was 19. but when I think about it, that sounds like it makes sense. as you get older, things like birthdays become less...interesting? like it just becomes another day except maybe you eat cake or have a little sweet treat and maybe someone passes you a card with a bunch of sloppily signed names in it which means nothing to you.

 or you're like me and you're just poor and have no friends so there's not much for you to do on your birthday. 

I realize, I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. my lack of excitement in life makes being alive such a drag. I try to put interesting things to do in my planner but ultimately I forget or waste my life away on YouTube that day and end up not doing anything else. yeah. thats still a problem. spent a lot of today on there nd felt absolutely miserable. I also spent some of the day working on a short valentines day comic. that livened me up. art's been harder to do but this has been an issue since 2023. drawing in my sketching is the hardest thing in the god damn world now. thats why when I finished a new illustration the other day I was in complete disbelief. its like I didn't even know that was a thing I could still do.

2024 was a horrible year. all of my bad habits had became worse and my depression has been unbearable. the year is such a blur to me because I spent most of in on YouTube, daydreams, or under the covers hiding away from reality. idont see an end in sight. I dont see any lights at the ends of any tunnels. the only light I seen is the bright light of a screen in my face.

maybe I'll get  cake soon. that will make me feel better. for like 2 seconds but whatever.

oh yeah, my wisdom teeth. yeah, I still haven't gotten those out which is like really bad I know lol. I have no idea what I'm gonna do. I'm so broke I don't even think I'd be able to afford a payment plan. fuck. my jaw has been popping and locking still. and I still feel pulsing in my ears from time to time. this is not something you should avoid. but I'm just? an idiot? calling the dentist about it is so nerve racking. I've been putting it off for weeks, knowing how dangerous it is to put off this procedure. all because im afraid to make a FUCKING phone call.

 I am just so messed up. like such a pathetic excuse of a human being. 

maybe I can fix something about myself this year. or maybe I'll get worse.

 I'm definitely gonna get worse.

I always get worse.