Losing my best friend was my last straw

   I’m not sure I can keep going. I lost my best friend, I messed up and literally do not know what to do anymore. We met this year and got close really quickly. I started drifting, I tried really hard not to because I have a bad habit of pushing my friends away after a while, not sure if its avoidant attachment or just me not being the best. I wish I said more or did more, there was so much to say and so much to do but I couldn’t. I’ve been so stressed out lately it’s hard to keep everything together. My room is a mess, I have too many absences, I’m in-between failing classes. My mom says it’s not entirely my fault but I feel as it is and I don’t know what to do anymore, I recently lost a family member and still trying to process the fact that she isn’t just in another state shes dead. I’m trying to push through it.

   I don’t think my best has been (or will ever be) good enough. I was really excited to see he texted me in the morning after school yesterday because I had been worried about him all day long. I just don’t know how to process I lost my best friend. He was the only one who didn’t judge me and it’s just I can’t lose him. I’m on my way to school, I thought it was Thursday but I guess not. I’ll try to keep going and achieve my best but I’m really going through it right now. I’m also scared I think? I’ve discovered that my family members on both sides usually die around 55-65 so how many people will I lose in the next few months? I dunno. Anyways buh bye xoxo stay am