humiliation exists because I exist

never in my life have I failed to do a presentation. maybe my depleting mental health is the reason for this, but I ended up stuttering and crying in front of my cooking class yesterday. that is correct, you read that right. I had a panic attack in front of my class. I always find ways to make myself look like a loser. at my big age, the fact I will be getting ready for college in under two years, there is absolutely no reason for me to allow this tomfoolery to occur. I didn't realize how badly I let myself go until that situation either. it was truly so eye opening. I got absolutely clocked by the realization that I was so much worse than I thought I was--- mentally, I mean. there is something so embarrassing about being friends with most of the students in a class, being comfortable and outgoing with them, and then crying and panicking whilst presenting a project. then there is that unspoken tension, knowing you cant bring it up and they cant talk about it because you obviously don't want to remember and stuff. but now they know but they know you don't want them to know. its just such a messy thing.