My muse

While putting spikes on my shoes last saturday, I thought to myself, why do I dress like I do? Why do I speak like I do? Why do I walk like I do? Of all the reasons I could think of the first one that came to mind is her, the first woman I ever loved. I'll adress her as D.

I met D. in a cold evening of november, at some spot where lots of mentally unstable teenagers used to hang out at my city. We didn't really get along at the start of our relationship, I was 15 and she was 18, so that may give you a clue. She was pretty intimidating, by the way, she was dressed in neon green and black baggy clothes, had the left side of her head shaved and some bad ass spikey shoes. She had the craziest makeup and from her neck to the back of her left shoulder had eyes tattoed. When I tell you I haven't met someone as cool as her I mean it, I really do.

As I said, our relationship started pretty rocky, she used to pick on me quite a lot, it was justified though, I was pretty annoying back then. I didn't know how to speak to people and I didn't pick on many social cues, I was so unaware and unbothered, I quite envy that from my past self. Anyway, D. once fooled me good, by that time I was really a mess, it was my ''hard drugs'' fase, pretty shitty time of my life, to be honest, and I was looking for someone who could sell me some 2cb, D. saw the chance and grinded some medication pills and some salt together and sold that mix to me for 5€, pretty smart move, I fucking died while snorting that shit, it was so painfull that my eye started watering and all. I swore I'd get back at her, I never did, though.

When we started to get along the cold weather was long gone, we were at the beginning of summer, I started hanging out with some friend of hers so, logically, it was only a matter of time to start meeting D. too. We spent all summer hanging out, and the more I saw her the more I wanted to become her number one, just as she was becoming my number one. I swear that summer felt like a dream, she felt like a dream, maybe I was dreaming all along, how could someone so magic be real? That is to say, it took me a long time to realize what I wanted, to realize that I wanted her and no one else in the world, and it took me even longer to realize that it was never going to happen, she was out of my leage, I spent all summer giving her my heart and all winter mourning that I'll never have hers. You better believe me when I tell you that must be the most excruciating and suffocating pain I've felt in my life till that moment, the worst of all? I never even told her how I felt, and I never will.

Maybe I'll die without knowing the taste of her lips, the warmth of her hugs, the sweetness of her words, the safety of holding her hand or the erotism of her body. Maybe I don't deserve to know, maybe I never did. She was the first woman I've ever loved, and maybe that's the thing that she was meant to give me, a lesson, I'll never wait again, I'll never fall in love with a dream again.