we've got a million different ways to engage

my biological father refused to move to SC with my mother and be a part of our family. he visited twice throughout my childhood, only to see my mother, and never hung out with me those times. he reconnected with me after i left foster care at age 12, and last year, he blocked me because i didn't text him first for a month because i was homeless, evicting my mother, and trying to get a job.

my younger brother was taken into foster care, and doesn't remember who i am. and if he does, it's nothing good.

my baby sister is getting adopted tomorrow. i only met her once.

my half sister who is 12 is currently ignoring me, i'm not sure how to fix what i've done when i'm not even sure what i've done.

my grandmother hates me because i'm my mother's daughter, and screamed endlessly how ugly i was when i got gauges when she was drunk on the phone with my great grandmother. she denied everytime i asked to visit in the summer after visiting once for 3 months. 

my grandfather is nice, but there's an underlying feeling that he does not approve or vibe with me at all. maybe he's influenced by my grandmother, or maybe he only see's me as her daughter too.

my step dad, my true, real dad, is one of the only people that ever gave a shit about me. he was narcissistic, he was loving, he was cold, he was influential. i am the woman i am today because of how he raised me, and i'd say he did a pretty great job. last year he got addicted to meth again, stopped paying the water & electricity bill, and stopped buying food. and everytime we spoke, he would nodd off mid-conversation with me. he's trying, but i haven't seen him for months. 

my step mom, my oldest sister's mom, she loves me- i think. she picks up everytime i call, she soothes everytime i call crying, and she points me in exactly the right direction of advice. but she ignores my texts and calls everytime i ask to see my sister.

and my mother. who slapped me for crying because i thought her boyfriend's were touching me at night. who accused me at the age of fourteen of sleeping with her forty year old boyfriends. who told me she could never get me out of foster care because her anxiety was too bad. who convinced me my father was a pervert who could've installed camera's in my shower to watch me. who would always look for her boyfriend everytime i tried to hangout with her. who told me i wasn't fun enough for her when i wouldn't dance to a song she put on after she blatantly yelled or swore at me for something.

and my mother, who is trying to do better, but still tells me she's the only answer to my happiness everytime i call crying. 

my great grandmother, my mama. pronounced "maw-maw" but i've always spelt it mama, and mama would agree with me that it was the only proper way to spell it for her. the woman who raised me.

every doctor appointment, every school ceremony and field trip. every dentist appointment. every church meeting. every food. every night, every morning. every meal. every shopping spree. every gymnastic day. every sleepover. every movie. every game. every scold. every praise. 

she is in a fucking senior living home because my mother abused her, and i can't take care of her because i can barely take care of myself. 2 hours away from me. with dementia, and everytime she sees my face, she can only call me my mother's name.