#14 grief over job

i was talking to my mother one the phone and i carefully mentioned some things regarding job search. ive mentioned an occupation i was trying to pursue that is different from what i actually want AND different from what i was doing at my last job. my mother pointed it out and said, “maybe you dont have to throw it all away after you’ve spent so long trying to achieve what you wanted?”

(it wasnt a critique and i didnt perceive it as such, it was concern)

and i just… fuck. yeah she’s right. i know she’s right. she voiced something that… no one has voiced to me even once. but its something ive thought about often. this thought frequently weighs on my mind. and she voiced it.

and it just really hurts. i just really want to cry. im… crying right now actually as im typing this.

sure, my job wasnt anything That great and there was a Lot of reasons why i left it (which, btw, i still havent told my mother yet). but i truly loved it. and i was so happy that finally i was doing what ive wanted for many years.

and yeah… in a way i did throw it all away for the sake of other things. i ended up choosing to go in certain directions in life that i had known would lead to me having to throw it all away. and thats exactly what happened, even though in the end there were several reasons why i had to leave that job. its just that even before there were additional reasons, i knew id be leaving eventually regardless.

its not something i can go back to either. maybe someday, depending on how things turn out in life… and i have been trying to look for a different job in the same field but its… a challenge for sure. and i need a job sooner than that. so i cant spend time just looking and looking… i have to settle for something else. and it hurts and i grieve my last job.