week 2 of school starts tommorow. do you think itll get worse?

this first week has been awful. not bc of the actual school, but just more or less me. if this happened a year or two ago i probably wouldnt have the reaction im having right now. 

lets summarise what happened. first day, was technically an introduction and not our first day but whatever. i met my class and realised we were the ONLY year 10 class in the entire campus. i dont even know if theres other year 10 classes at the city campus either, so for all i know im gonna be with these guys for the next year. everyone was very quiet the first day, no one was really making friends with each other. its day 1, so its normal really. but i was genuinely freaked out. i NEEDED this school to be my saviour, really. after 2 years of pure garbage and these past 2 months of a deep depressive episode i couldnt help but put such high expectations onto this school. so when it kind of fell apart, saying i was upset would've been an understatement.

i was crushed. 

the following saturday i was crying and panicking all day. i didnt want the next 3 years of my teen life to be like this. alone, afraid, near suicidal. i wont make it out of it alive and i so desperately want to. 

but then i hoped on vc with my friend from year 7, and i felt happy. i told myself i should just think about them for now. the fact that Z who i fuckin abandoned in yr 7 like a dick not only accepted my apology after a year of not speaking to each other and actually kept talking to me AND added me back to his friend group makes me so happy and so angry at myself for leaving him back then. but anyways. i thought i found my solution. if i somehow didnt make friends at all then id just think about vcing my friends at school and then go home and do it. but when monday rolled around, everything felt fine... until i stepped inside the school. and that fear, that horrible looming all too familiar fear came over me again. 

i couldnt stop that screaming and crying in my mind. i had to cuddle my thoughts like a baby, repeatedly telling myself that "I know how hard it is". for hours. HOURS. then at 12 or so, those thoughts would fade away and be replaced with nothing. i felt calmer, sure. but i didnt feel real. like my body was experiencing the school and the social stuff and all that, but my soul was only watching everything through a window. and when the tuesday rolled around it felt like knowing i had friends at home barely helped what i was feeling at school. tuesday i was in near tears i was so upset and scared. 

we have wednesdays off, which im grateful for. but when i woke up i was scared again. and i didnt even have school. i had therapy and i told her i think i needed to leave school early or something. she agreed, no questions asked or anything. which made me feel better. my mum asked me if i was up for a full day the next day, i said i wasnt sure but ill see. 

thursday was better, to my surprise. i wasnt even sure why. like i hadnt made ANY friends, and nothing fun was happening. i just felt... better? so i thought "well im not bad enough to leave early so i guess ill stay"

as the day went on became more confused. i dont get better like this. not without drugs, anyway. and i just felt like there was something wrong. deeply wrong. in my heart and bones and everything. it got worse when i went home. but the idea of leaving early made me a little calmer when i thought about it. i tried going through the whole day just to see how id go. i went fine but... that was 4 days ago and i dont really remember what happened. it feels like 3 months ago. i was staring out that window again. 

the next day, i was feeling teary again when i went to school and i decided to try out leaving early to see how i feel. i went home and i started dissociating. every movement of my body felt so out of control. like when i moved i would just scream "thats not me!!" and that looming fear was back. i dont think it was me leaving that made it worse... but i dont know what it is. 

i have a headache. i guess my main goal for this week is to... talk to my therapist?