did a drawing

everyone look I did a drawing and uploaded it to spacehey!!!

I did colour it in but I didn't really like how it looked (all looked like whats going on on the right) so I undid it all. I kept pressing undo but the stuff on the right just wouldn't (too far back) so I guess it's staying.

it's meant to be a loose drawing of Durham. Castle college has all these beautiful oil paintings of Durham and Durham cathedral just hanging in the corridors - and u step out and it's the first thing you see. Imagine lilving there nd every morning on your way to lectures you pass one of the most beautiful cathedrals in the country. Imagine you can see it from your window (me). Yeah, I  can see it from my window, justr one tower of it, but still - I'm honoured. I'm honoured to live in this city. 

I mean yes ok I never got to properly live in college and never had catered meals or lived near the cathedral or got all the boarding school bailey college vibes but man I still live in such a beautiful city. I could be in Huddersfield or Nottingham or Birmingham right now. 

Elena will be going to Cambridge, Newham College. I'm not surprised at all - she's incredibly intelligent and I think for certain Cambridge material. I really am happy for her but also overwhelmingly aware of how my parents are going to react to this news. oooohhhhhhhh she's got a little sibling on the way and she's going to Cambridge. And she's in a happy, long term relationship. And her face looks like sunshine and her hair is beautiful. I wish we spoke more. I don't know why, she doesn't even seem to want to speak to me when we run into each other. I know my parents are weird, Elena, but I like you. Why can't we be friends? :( 

Anyway, this isn't about her. I love this city, even if the nightlife sucks. Beauty is important. The view from Elvet bridge will genuinely make my day. This evening, seminars from 1 til; 6 (3 hour block from 3 til 6) with a disgusting dribbly nose and teary eyes (everyone in durham is ill rn) and freezing cold - but oh, that view. It made me want to stay in town. We need beauty. 

Beauty and some sort of reminder that 800 years ago idn't that long ago. 600 years.. the 15th century; Polish-Lithuanian commonwealth and Chretien de Troye; that all took place AFTER Durham cathedral was built. You've walked on the same stone King Richard the Lionheart's subjects walked upon. Like, the exact same physical piece of stone. You've looked through the same windows and touched the same walls. These people were real and they're not far away from you at all. Shakespeare was around like 500 years after that thing was built. How many thousands of people passed through that building before William Shakespeare was even born?

 Sorry, this stuff just messes with me in major ways. It's incredible. I have ancestors from that period. Whilst middle English labourers built Durham Cathedral underw Henry the first, my ancestors were probably pulling potatoes - no- there were not potatoes in Europe at that point!!!! Do you see what I mean??? But I've studied that guy whose life was contemporary with some great grand distant relative of mine. I'm still breathing the same air as them.

I think about this sometimes - you know reincarnation? I like to think about it like this - in this de-chronologised way because I don't much agree with the idea of linear time - I could be you in another life, but like, literally the you right now - but then I'll be both of us at the same time ("I" is a funny word in this context but I need it to indicate perspective) - and I do actually think that applies to just everyone ever. It;s all one mesh. It's all one and the same fabric - distinction is a material illusion - boundaries are a limitation of the flesh. We have more than just flesh. The things that differentiate us from each other most are pure coincidence. What are the odds that you're you and I'm me? What actually are the odds that I was born to my parents in Poland and you to yours? Just a slip of fate and I could've ended up you. You know what I mean? 

 Gahd it's amazing. I need to remember this more often. It;s a wonderful thing to have in mind, I am literally you. like, I am you mate. Like two fungi sharing one root system - they are one and the same plant at the nd of the day. All it takes is a few words or images or movements or glances and the gap is bridged. Don't forget it. 

I at one point had this in mind very freuqently, and it improved my life. This is the final idea of all religions, no? LIke, this is it, this is how you escape the Matrix I think. 

Sorry to get all lofty, but I genuinely believe all this. Also actually sorry if I'm repeating myself - I feel like I talk about all this quite often. BUt that's because I genuinely believe it and also I need to remind myself. I forget easily :(

+ pls listen to Angelica by Lamb