2025.02.06

[6:00pm] lowkey considering ending it. today was fine. i did my classes and i went to a little school event where they give us free food they bought at the gas station. but today during math i got an email from my English teacher saying he's giving me a 0 on my essay for using AI. I did not use AI. The essay is worth 70% of my grade. I'm supposed to argue with him about it during class tomorrow but I'm afraid I'll start crying in front of everyone and give in and say I used it just to be able to leave. If i fail this class my colleges will revote their acceptions and I'll have to go to community college which is really really bad because that means i will have to stay at home longer. i had kpop club today but only one person showed up. i did my math homework and failed miserably. as soon as i got home i went straight to the shower and bawled my eyes out for an hour and thought of all the ways i could end it if i failed. my mom came in my room just now and asked me whats wrong and i told her and i started crying even more. i wanted to go to dairy queen tonight because there's another event there but my mom said no one would go with me and that we have ice cream at home. i go wanna go because my dad promised he would take me last week after he caught me crying and then he decided to take us to some cheap place because he wanted a burger. it was okay but it wasn't dairy queen and i felt ignored and betrayed again so it didn't help. im really. upset about this ai thing because as you guys know i have had beef with this teacher the entire time I've had him and it's only been a month. i have to wear a short sleeved shirt tomorrow for another school event (idk if you've noticed yet but it's like a school holiday week for us where we host events and the money goes to make a wish foundation) but since it's short sleeved my teacher will see my self harm and hopefully realize that im not okay and that he should just accept that im telling the truth. he can check the edit history on my doc, look at my grades and see I've always been a good student (until the past couple months because I've lost my spark which i hope he also realizes) and i have no history of it in my gpt chats and any other ai he thinks of i will show him my history. i am actually so upset about this because i did nothing to deserve this. im pretty sure i wrote about this earlier but the essay was so bad it deserved a C at most. idk how on earth he could think it's AI unless he has it out for me personally or something. anyways i really need to read for that class because he wants me to read a 100 pages and write mini essay and create discussion questions and my theorized answers my sunday at midnight. and then more socratic seminars and more reading and omg i can't take this stupid class anymore. i cant transfer out at this point because it's through a community college and i don't want to lose all the credits i could have gotten, and it looks really extremely bad on college papers to see i dropped out. low key if i don't graduate with all passing grades and i don't get in to my dream college then i am going to end it. my future is already looking bad because im ignorant enough to try and enter a doomed career field and this is just making it worse. my mom offered to make me dinner tonight though which is nice and said i earned dessert even though i didn't work out today. i still wanna go to dairy queen but it would be embarrassing because im already in my pajamas and it will be all school people and you can easily tell I've been crying my eyes out. these past couple months have been terrible but this past week has been total hell. i need a break.

[7:15pm] so i guess im not doing to dq. it was the only part of the week i was looking forward to but whatever. my mom said she'd make my sister bake a mug cake for me if i stay up late and watch greys anatomy with them. honestly i need to go to bed and i hate that show and im not big back enough to be bribed by cake, but also i don't want to hurt their feelings or make them worried and stuff. i don't want to teach them that they can ruin my plans and make up for it by giving me free food though. everyone always tries to cheer me up with food and its insulting. just say im fat and gluttonous. i really really very much hope i die in my sleep tonight