Report Blog Entry
I was raised as a Christian Catholic. I was always an active part on my Church - a member of choir, volunteering to read Bible out loud during Holy Mass, helping organize events and present every Sunday ready to worship God. I even cried myself to sleep over the fact that because of my gender I could never be an altar boy. At the age of 12 I decided that once I grow up I want to be a nun and soon after I enrolled in Catholic school. Yet despite all of that I never wanted to go to Heaven.
The one thing I was fascinated about since I remember was cosmos. We had a TV channel dedicated to said topic, so some days I was spending all my screen time learning about all the secrets galaxies are hiding. And then once the nighttime came I could not fall asleep. Space after all is endless and infinity is one thing I'm scared of the most. And that's the one thing that's similar between it and Heaven.
It may differ between churches, but I was though that after you die and go to either Heaven or Hell you spend eternity in only one of them. After the Last Judgment souls in Heaven will live forever, however the ones in Hell - will disappear. And that's what I want after my death - to be gone.
No matter how nice Heaven might sound, no matter how big of a paradise it might be - I don't want life after death. I don't want to exist for longer than necessary.
So, after some time I stopped going to church. I stopped confessing my sins to priests, I stopped praying every night. But I never stopped believing in Jesus. I don't want to be a bad person, but I don't want to go to Heaven. So I need to get to Hell instead.
Comments
Displaying 2 of 2 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
Uncle_Samsonite_lover
Well as a agnostic-atheist, the afterlife is mostly not real, because there is no evidence to suggest it actually does, so don't worry about those thing after all, all religions have their own version of the afterlife so it mostly not real
Well, rational part of my brain is aware of that, but often it's hard for me to switch my thinking into that. But thank you ^^
by Nix; ; Report
Glamorc
Your feelings are totally valid and I get it. I wasn't raised being as involved in a church like how you were, and I'm grateful for that. I have some rather "controversial opinions" about the Catholic Church, where I just cannot involve myself with that church. Not being involved in a church gave me the freedom to read and decipher the bible, and heaven, the way that made sense to me/my soul. I believe that your relationship with God and Jesus are of upmost importance, and through prayer you can strengthen that relationship. My mother shares this sentiment and she regularly prays for confirmation on feelings or about what she read in the bible. The bible was written and translated by man. Man is susceptible to sin and being used by evil so taking the bible at face value/literally doesn't make sense to me. There is a scripture in Proverbs 3, 5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." I have understood this scripture as saying to use prayer/your relationship with God to discern things. Do not give up on prayer as I believe it is a way to keep up your relationship with God. You can use prayer as a tool to shed light onto what heaven is really like instead of believing what you were taught your whole life. You believe in Jesus and God, and now you need faith that through prayer God will answer you and comfort you. I hope all that made sense. I wish you a great day/night and God bless you!