Stressful times

My flight is in about 6 hours and I'm planning to stay up until we have to leave for the airport

It's hard times but I'm really glad that I have wonderful friends to support me in tough situations

It'll be a week dedicated to mourning and family bonding, but it'll also be a full week off of school and other commitments

I've been on a overall productive routine, but it has also been extremely overwhelming at a lot of between the beginning of january and now

In a way I am happy I get to take some time off and focus on something less productive-based. It's probably not appropriate to think this way in a situation like this but idk

I've processed the situation we are at but also I really haven't

I think I will feel what everyone's feeling once I get off the plane and step into the funeral site though. The energy will bleed through the detachment and make me crumble down too.

I should still try to stay in routine and lock in a little bit though since that will help stabilize my mental health a bit through all of this

Sleep schedule will be hard to stabilize due to time differences, but I want to keep exercising, eating healthy, journaling every night, doing homework and trying my best to understand everything, plan for things ahead, and go about everything with more purpose

I want to be a more reliable beacon for my mom who is suffering the most from all of this and take initiative to do things and help out as much as I can

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Plan for flight

Its gonna be a long flight and its gonna be really small seats and it will fucking suck because im sitting next to my fatass dad who snores and does gross coughs

I was thinking of doing assignments on the plane but realistically I don't think I can lock in...I mean...maybe I can just do the easy ones like econ. But I don't really want to stress myself out over that. I'm hoping I get the seat on the edge so I can get up anytime for the bathroom and to stretch. I want to try my best to get at least a little bit of sleep, so I will take melatonin with me and an eye mask.

I also downloaded 19 hrs of music on spotify which is probably way more than enough to sustain me

I want to read notes of a crocodile by qiu miaojin. I downloaded the ebook so I'm hoping I can spend most of my time reading it. I'm not expecting to finish it in one sitting. I want to try to read it at a comfortable pace, and maybe I can read bit by bit throughout the week. 

Because I will technically have so much "free time," I want to spend a lot of it on introspection and listening to my thoughts

I also want to watch some movies. I was thinking of downloading some but that seemed too much. I'll see what they have though I doubt they'll have good ones.

It's a long flight, so I'm mainly concerned of my physical fatigue more than mental fatigue. I need to stretch regularly, sleep, dont overeat, breathe, and take breaks from looking at a screen so I don't throw up.


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Plan for stay

First and foremost duty is to stay beside my mom. If she doesn't want my company then its fine but I want to try to support her as much as I can because I know she is going through a lot.

I also just want to try to help out as much as I can. I wish I had more...like practical skills? like cleaning, cooking, taking care of ppl but I think I'm pretty aloof when it comes to that

At the very least I want to seem responsible and tidy. So I should make sure to clean up after myself, be respectful, quick to respond, and not seem indecisive.

I'm not really sure what we'll really do, but I'll know better once I get there. I'm hoping to keep up with my studies and class assignments, but it may be difficult so I won't be too mad at myself if I end up not completing everything all the way. Priority is always routine first. Regular exercise, eating habits, and sleep (as much as I can)

Even when I just have time to myself I should NEVER doomscroll. Especially during this stay. I will delete instagram completely during my stay and I should not just try to waste time as is. I should talk to my family, draw, think about new projects

If I'm too tired or overstimulated, I should walk, nap, meditate, or just take a breather. Absolutely no wasting time.

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Mindset and looking into the future

This week may go quickly or slow. It will probably be most. It will be sad, stressful, but also memorable. But I think it's serious times like this that teaches us important lessons. I have to take things seriously and become a better person. 

I'll probably be off spacehey??idk. I dont really check that often these days either. I might come by from time to time while I'm in Korea.