extra after

i try so hard to go back to that panicked state during an episode simply because it makes me feel something that im pretty sure is real it feels real I think its real i want it to be real I cant do this again but I want to I just want attention im a little attention seeker IM NOT HIM I'm not him everything bad happens to him I'm not him I want people to see my flaws but not belittle and pity me because of it I want them to realize how strong and superior I am in spite of it allTHAT SOUNDS LIKE HIM IM NOT HIM I have to stop I need to stop this isn't healthy mom says I'm fine and that I don't need diagnosis and I don't need a therapist I'm fine I'm fine I promise I'm fine I just want people to see my scars and know that I'm strong enough to have got through it all and that I never turned to death as an optionLYINGi did one time I took a lot of ibuprofen but it didn't work just stomach sickness in the morning I don't need a death or a way out I CAN DO IT MYSELF I'll be fine my back hurts wow that was a lot of cracks but it doesnt hurt anymore yes leisurely stuff leisure leisure leisure everyday stuff WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN THIS TOWN HAVE TO BE BORING BORING I was followed by a car and instead of fear or anticipation I was excited that something would finally happen to me but I was in a car myself and also with my dad and he noticed so we left I was sad no disappointed that the car no longer followed us on our way home why is everything in this town so boring I need to be in life threatening situations to feel something maybe everything here is too boring life is so mundane I crave my music because i can imagine another world for myself so I can hide maybe thats why I crave to feel so negative about myself and crave to feel so open about my wounds so that something can happen and nothing will be boring anymore but everyday is the same I wake up I go to school I come home I do nothing its so boring I wish life wasn't so boring I want something crazy to happen aliens apocalypse purge or even maybe car crash or building fire or something horrible I want something horrible to happen to me that everyone knows about so I can have attention seeker IM NOT HIM I'm not him I'm not him I'm not him I'm not him my back hurts again I'm gonna stop now my eye burns bye sorry about this but its okay nobody sees this stupid stuff