sorry guys I'm not okay

it doesn't matter its insignificant what happened wasnt her fault I just need to forget forget forget forget forget forget FORGET the touch the feel the ensue her voice my choice I cant take it THEY CANT KNOW but its okay to post on here because nobody sees these anyways all my blogs have zero views so this is my diary new. WHY CANT HER MEMORY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE nine year olds should know better I shouldve known better I SHOUDLVE KNOWN BETTER I cant see my screen im only typing from memory now my heart hurts I know I act so nonchalant to everything around me or very energetic when it comes to joking with friends but I cant take this numbing nothingness feeling that's consumed me the only constant is her memory her touch her EVERYTHING haunting me why do I have to see her everyday at school why does she look so happy why does she not have to remember why am I the only one suffering how is she a christian HOW AM I A CHRISTIAN I just want to feel something real something palpable something soft and gentle I just want my mom I don't want to deal with this IT WAS FOREVER AGO iT DOESNT MATTER why can't I just forget forget forget why me why couldn't I of been more responsible as a kid why couldn't I had more self control I pride myself on self control yet when that happened I LET IT HAPPEN why did I let her do that she didn't know any better thirteen year olds have a lot on their mind and maybe she wanted a stress reliever my throat hurts get me out of here I CANT TELL HER my mom would never understand it happened so long ago it doesn't even matter my mom would either panic too much and do something drastic or would push it off saying I'm either lying or sau oy was sp ;ong aho she's changed as a person yea shes changed but IT STILL HAUNTS ME EVRY NIGHT WHY CANT I GET HER OUT oF MY HEAD I relive a nightmare everytime I see her face but what if I'm just victimizing myself after all I told her yes and she never forced herself onto me and I even felt the pleasure yet I backed out because I didn't understand I should've replicated what she did to me because that's probably what she wanted all she wanted was pleasure why did it have to be pleasure why couldn't it be anger or something I feel angry all the time but not entirely I get overly frustrated at too many things and nothing at all tiny things things that don't matter and yet I explode over them why cant I just be okay with what happened and move on like her why couldn't I just forget why did God have to torture me like this have me forget EVERY OTHER MEMORY OF MY CHILDHOOD EXCEPT THAT ONE why am I so forgetful yet everyday that memory HAUNTS my days like a shadow on the sun WHY CANT I CRY I WANT TO CRY LET ME CRY LET ME CRY LET ME CRY LET ME CRY LET ME CRY I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING I CANT