𓈒⠀ㅤ︶︶⠀BLOG NO.3 : DECENTERING & LOWERING STRESS

tw // sh , ed , grooming (?) but only in one paragraph. be careful out there !

For a while now, I've started learning how to branch out and do stuff that's not like, image-centric. 

I think a problem with how I was, was that I was so ready to carefully craft a certain way I wanted to be perceived that I just forgot to be myself along the way. I think I forgot that I had a sense of self too. That I could do anything on my own without worrying about others.

This suppression of the self ended up leading me down dark paths, I think. Not in regular 'gradual crashing' ways, but in, I would keep this 'self' of mine carefully maintained until I broke and went to unleash my desires and innermost thoughts. Like there was someone inside me just begging to be let free, but they were kept caged so long that it's hard to feel angry at big things but I could blow a fit over small things.

I call them side quests but some of the stuff I've done was really destructive. Smoking, walking out the school for an hour to buy a lighter, letting an e-creep have their way with me 'cause they promised they'd love me (after ghosting me when they asked for a lower pic & saw my sh), starving and weighing myself, hell even sh in the first place.

Also, non-severe things like listening to songs I don't really like so people will see my spotify playlist 'nd stuff.

So for now,
I've started writing and drawing for my own pleasure again.
I've gotten more into my own ocs and oc world.
I've taken my Spotify off my Discord so that I can listen to what I want without instant consideration of what's happening.
I'm using Discord a bit less and stretching over other apps that I like.
& I've started talking to people more irl and being more honest about who I am

It's so easy for my brain to tell me that I'm unloved that I've decided I need to decenter myself from relying on others to make my day feel good, because the slightest incidents make me feel like my friends don't like me -- and I don't wish to begin taking that out on them by ghosting and such.

I think, because of this, I'm going to get a hobby or something that I can do peacefully. Something that's me-centered so I won't have to worry about others seeing it.

My choices are:

movie-watching (ive been eyeing letterboxd)
embroidery (i have a basic sewing kit i'm not sure thats enough but i'll try)
cd - burning (i have everything But a cd player)
reading (but idk which books)
sketching 
writing (but not for fandoms)
magic tricks
song writing (i dont think ican do this with vocals but instrumental could be fun)
learning to ride my bike
yoga (for flexibility)

& thats all i can think of! if u read this, thanks for reading! i hope u guys have a good day!