Cant keep my promise

maybe the title is a little bit dramatic but it is the truth.

I feel like I cant keep the promise I promised to myself and keep on doing past mistakes. Like i said in previous blogs, i said im gonna stop looking for dating boys and start focusing on things I care about like hobbies and spending time with friends. but it feels impossible

maybe for two weeks it was fine and easy but I kinda feel like i have nothing better to do? not that I have a lot of free time loll. but you get what im talking about.

I feel kinda desperate for attention even though I know if ill get the attention it wouldn’t change anything. right? I mean, I usually don’t care about random boys talking to me BUT I want to feel like someone is nice to me.

A couple days ago I got a little book about the whole dating& hookup culture. And I really appreciate and agree with that. It basically said things like “girls who do these stuff are empty, have no respect for themselves, and are willing to lose their ‘olam haba’ (idk how to say this) for 15 minutes.” “women should be modest both inside and outside. not wear clothes that barely cover their skin and should stick to their beliefs in god to get their true husband” and how bad marriage, bad relationships etc is the worst thing that could happen to someone. This book was written for women but i think some of the things could be relatable to men as well.

anyway, one of the things I learned from this book is that a woman should stay true to her values, not do nasty stuff, be modest and have a strong faith in god.

I wish I could have all of this, i just want all of these good personality traits told in this book. oh. I wish dating wasn’t even an option. At least like it is in this era especially with teens. This is so hard for me to stop thinking about the fact that I need to quit looking for troubles (dating men).

I wish dating was like in the 1940’s before all the rise of social media, dating apps, hookups etc… know that the boy I talk with doesn’t do the same with other different girls… to actually be loyal and have moral values, ughh im so tired of this nonsense.

Whatever will happen, i know I will always have my faith in god, I know that everything will happen at the right time with the right people for real. maybe everything that happened so far is just a lesson for me to learn from… could be. I am much more well prepared and aware than I was before even tho I thought I was “so ready for this”. aint no way. especially when it comes to have control over my feelings and emotions so i won’t get into completely unnecessary situations.

im gonna continue talking about this subject later because i am so tired and I just want to go to sleep

good night & god bless