#11

it took years to improve my social skills and lower my social anxiety enough and learn to just exist around other people. i believe i can mask my differences and struggles well enough right now. or at the very least, i may still come off as awkward or weird but i dont think its so bad. used to be worse anyway.

and so i thought this was a good thing! i learned how to socialize. surely this will help me forge close connections!

…no. i mean, yes, it is a good thing, being able to socialize is good! but creating close connections remains a mystery to me. as well as making friends in general, i still dont get how it works, how it happens. its like its just something that happens by chance and works out by chance, even if i put in effort and all. of course, effort is required from the other person as well though. you cant carry an entire friendship all by yourself. or if you can, you may likely get tired at some point. this also happened to me before.

either way, i am able to do surface-level socializing. but thats not what im seeking in life. :c