#10

i feel sad. i long for closeness and simply socialization but too often i just feel plain worse afterwards. i almost regret it sometimes because of just how worse i feel.

and thats just frustrating… i know theres a bunch of things that goes into this feeling. i dont feel like dissecting that. but god, i long for connection. and yet, its like it hurts me every time. i try to connect and it causes so much pain. and no, its not like anything “bad” or extraordinary happens. but it hurts so much afterwards. oftentimes i just sit and cry.

(and also no, this doesnt mean that im better off alone or shouldnt socialize or that i dont want others to socialize with me! i do! but its, then again, just a frustrating aspect of my psyche that i have to deal with at this time.)

…i suppose that clinical depression just might have something to do with this. and neurodivergence in general. as well as. some trauma perhaps.

i just feel really down right now.