Report Blog Entry
Complex PTSD sucks.
I've been going through a lot of painful healing. One of the things that have been on my mind lately has been how people supported my abusers, particularly my ex-mom. I'm not talking about friends, family and teachers. They were most of her backup but so were hair stylists and people who worked in retail.
Melody (ex-mom) was OBSESSED with how I looked. She always wanted me to dress in bright colors and have my hair dyed light blond. She either wanted my hair in a "cute high ponytail" or cut short to my shoulders. I have dishwater blond, almost brown hair. I've come to really like the color. I think it makes my eyes stand out.
Anyways when Melody would take me to get my hair trimmed she begged and pleaded and wined because she wanted me to have my hair that lighter blond color. She would bargain and make promises and tell me how good I would look. In the end I never had a REAL choice though.
When I was put in the chair the stylist asked me what I wanted and I would be honest and tell her. But somehow what I wanted was ignored and I looked how my mom wanted me to. The funniest part was when I looked all disappointed the stylist looked hurt. So I had to fake smile and say I liked it.
I confronted the stylist about this once and they told me my mom was the one paying for it.
People who worked in retail were AWFUL. Melody would take me to a bunch of high end stores and grab a person who worked there to "help" pick out clothes. Melody wanted me to wear bright, cute girly colors with lots of patterns. I prefer more simple and comfortable clothes. My go-to outfit is yoga pants, a band t-shirt, a hoodie and sneakers.
When we would pick clothes out she would tell me I could pick one or two things I liked. Her and the store lady would get huge armfulls of clothes I hated. I had to try each one on.
This is what usually would take place:
Store Lady: "Oh my god this looks so cute on you!"
Melody: *Creepy smiles and nods* "It really does."
Store Lady: "Do you like it? Be honest."
Melody: "Will you actually wear this?"
Me: "I really don't like it."
Melody: "But it looks so cute!"
Store Lady: "You look amazing!"
Me: "But I don't feel comfortable."
Melody: *pouts* "Fine. But you look so good in it."
Store Lady: "You really do."
Me: *will say anything to get out of what I'm wearing* "Alright. I'll get it."
*Mom and store lady are elated*
We would go through this for sometimes 20+ outfits. Sometimes I would be standing in front of them literally crying and they would continue to insist I looked "so cute!"
Sometimes I would get snippy with my mom and a few times the store ladies would LECTURE me on how I should be nicer to my mom.
I'm not sure what to say past this point. I'm probably going to end it here and put up a part 2 later today or this week once I've done some self care.
Thank you so much for reading.
Comments
Displaying 1 of 1 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
Toby
Hey, idk how to sugar coat this but I cut all contact with mum when I was 30 (I'm 41 now). She wasn't particularly terrible, but did a lot of things that you described above (minor emotional abuse, tantrums if I didn't do what she wanted, I couldn't tell her anything as if I used my own money to go on holiday or buy something, she'd get a massive guilt trip as to why I didn't send her on holiday etc
It was constant, so in the end I just gave up.
I've spoken to her a handful of times but cutting contact was the best thing I ever did. You only live one life.
"Blood is thicker than water" is always misquoted, it's actually “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” The original meaning of the phrase was blood shed on the battlefield creates a stronger bond between soldiers than family ties.
Live your life!
I'm so sorry you went through all that.
I don't speak with her or any of my ex-family. This was mostly me processing what happened. I appreciate the insight though. It makes me feel validated.
by RIP; ; Report
Only just got this notification
Life is just so much better now, right.
Sometimes we just need confirmation we're not crazy.
Hope you're doing great.
by Toby; ; Report