Entry #62

broke up with boyfriend over some stuff im not gonna talk about. i dont really want to think about it. i feel really bad about it because i really do love him. i dont think we ended off bad, but he wont talk to me. hasnt talked to me since. hes been hanging out with our other friend instead. im just hanging out with my two friends trying to distract myself from everything, but its like no matter where i go something reminds me of him. it makes me feel even worse. i dont want to think about him, what i threw away. im just not fucking ready, why cant the universe understand me? i dont want to feel like this anymore. just always something there to remind me that im a fucking piece of shit. i know i am, I FUCKING KNOW I AM OKAY? I DONT NEED TO BE REMINDED EVERY SECOND OF MY WORTHLESS FUCKING LIFE. its my best friends birthday today. hes finally an adult, its really weird to think about. how i grew up with him, spent practically most of my life with him. im really proud of him, even if id never tell him to his face out of nowhere. i hate being sweet. its just weird to me, it makes me feel gross. but i really do love my friends. even if i dont want to show it. maybe im just an asshole. i dont care anymore, i might as well embrace the fact that im an awful person. keep telling myself that i dont care hoping itll become true any time soon. but, maybe i care the most. every little thing gets under my skin and it never gets out. im just a sobby bitch. i hate myself. i just want to die to have it all be over. but i am just being dramatic. the thought of death scares me so much that id rather feel all this pain than disappear forever. though, im not as scared as i was before. we all die. im happy that i will not be alone, that i will not be the only one to disappear. that many more have disappeared before i will. i am at ease. i cant really feel anything anymore, just so full of hatred. haha. i thought it was funny to make a reference to that, though maybe not. not if its true, i guess. im just being corny. its okay though, for as always, tomorrow is another day.