I have a goal in my mind, but I feel like I made it to imitate the disciplined.

Nobody really apologizes. Nobody really goes out of their way to talk to me. So I can't say they've said anything- Because even if they have, nobody is ever genuine and I can tell. Nobody is genuine when somebody is hurting because we force ourselves to like people in hopes that others feel the same way about us. It's fucked, but disingenuity is a core principle in the human race. I know because I'm like that too. And that kind of makes me sick.

The past 6 years I haven't really gone to school. Maybe a day or a week every month or two. It's not like my mental state affected my behaviour, because I made it happen. I made a conscious- or unconscious- decision to feed into this. Because it's good. It feels good to do nothing. Almost everyone can agree.

And when I say shit like that I remember that I'm a teenage girl. Everyone says this age is filled with fuckups and I just have to learn. I have to keep going. I have to try. The difference between me and them is that they have reasons to keep going. And those reasons are so important that they learn discipline. That's the difference.

But like I said, what can I do when I want to do nothing?

I have a goal in my mind, but I feel like I made it to imitate the disciplined. 

When I was younger I dreamt of running away from my shitty family, my shitty situation, and that everything would be alright. And even then I thought, "You know this isn't going to happen. You just don't have any other hopes." But I didn't have anywhere else to turn. All I could do was sit in my bed and when I wasn't letting my own body decay I would be researching, researching, budgeting, figuring out how to make this pipe dream work.

And I figured it all out. But I couldn't do anything. Because I didn't have any discipline. I didn't WANT to have any discipline. I didn't WANT to have anything at all. I didn't want to do ANYTHING! 

So I did the easy thing. I did nothing at all.

And now, even now, as people bust their asses trying to motivate me, trying to get me into fancy private schools, pep talks on why I should try, why I should live, trying to get me into therapy, getting me on the right path, giving me things that people in their bedrooms and hospital beds dream they could have. Even now, I don't want to do anything. 

I'm going to be sucking money out of people. I'm gonna get yelled at. The disciplined will scream, "Why, why?! Why don't you have any discipline?!" but really, I didn't do anything. I didn't want anything. I didn't do any of this. All I've done is nothing, nothing, nothing at all. And that's exactly what I want to do until I die. But life doesn't work like that, and this isn't going to work forever. And I can't think of what to do when that comes, because I don't have anything to live for.

It's not the norm. It's not the disciplined ones goal. So is it selfish to not want to do anything? God I sound like a bitch.

Stop trying to fix what you can't

Because I don't even want to fix this