my first day back at school. im mixed.

hi everyone. its been a while since my last entry, hasnt it? ive been actively posting bulletins more, so if you want actual life updates from me go over there. otherwise i'll fill you in on what has happened. 

my last entry talked about probably the most amazing dream ever. one of my most important characters i made came and lulled me to sleep in my dream before new years. it was like without really telling me she wanted me to keep going for her. and that i would never ever be alone because my creations were always a part of me. so that made me want to keep going, and after that i started feeling a bit better again. i thought my depressive episode was over but... something small triggered me again and i legit passed out from how anxious i was. 

i haven't used tumblr, insta and bluesky in like a month now. and even insta is like rare. and i havent really tried watching any new shows or playing the games i used to play a month ago. I just, really REALLY dont want to trigger another anxiety attack that'll literally make me pass out. i am extremely broken and fragile mentally, i need to play it safe for now. which was why when new years passed I totally dropped everything for the entire month. but... i really thought that this new school would save me. i day dreamed so much of having a good friend or friend group. i would tell myself even if i didnt make friends it was going to be infinitely better than year 9. and im not switching schools again, so it doesnt matter. 

but i just couldnt help but think so wonderfully. and seeing how the fucking planets literally aligned ON MY BIRTHDAY i thought everything was gonna go smoothly. and thinking about having a friend group made me happy. it really did. I was still scared. so, so scared. I prayed. FULLY PRAYED TO GOD. for this to be good. (im not even religious.).

With how bad my mental health is, i was relying on this school to make me feel happy. 

but im not happy.

fuck man. im... really not happy. 

today was my first day. well, it was everyone's first day actually. i walked in expected to see some nerdy looking people but everyone looked so normal. which kind of freaked me out, cuz i thought i was gonna get outcasted. but when the actual class started everyone was actually decently nice. not nerdy, but nice. i assumed maybe they went through the same stuff i did. bullying, etc. and i dont have to have similar interests with people to be friends with them but i wasnt sure if i was going to besties with them. and i have met loads of people who dont look nerdy but are huge dorks so that could always be somethin. 

the problem was when there wasnt really anyone energetic enough in the class to talk to me. i cant start a convo with someone i havent met in the slightest. i just freeze up and die if they dont say anything first. so this was a nightmare of wondering when someone was gonna pop a question of being friends. but nothing. and yea, its the first day. some people in the class havent even come yet. 

BUT IM SO SCARED. i really am scared. i dont want another year 9, i dont want to be alone anymore. i dont wanna feel this horrible for a THIRD YEAR. and the end of the day i just wanted to cry so much and i still do. but i cant. i cant get anything out. i dont want to feel like this anymore please god. just give me a friend. even one. someone who will make me want to go to school everyday. and then ill be happy enough to try living again.