what can i do when i want to do nothing?

i don't think i'll find any kind of salvation until i die. and, in that, there is no truer salvation than never being born in the first place.

nothing fills me like it used to.

either i'm rotting or i seriously need to touch grass but i don't think there's a solution for me.

i'm sitting in a bed that's not even mine. i'm wearing clothes that have been lent to me. i've been shooting for the same thing the past couple of days, but my brain just loves to torture me so i can't even achieve that; i can't even watch an episode of TV.

nothing. nothing, nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. none of it is like it used to be. i can still like things and still enjoy things but it's not what it used to be. honestly, it feels like i'm doing these as a courtesy to myself. this is what i'm supposed to like. this is what's supposed to cheer me up. but nothing. nothing is like it used to be. nothing is ever how it used to be. 

i said i'd do all these things. and then i remember that I've got so much time, so much time ahead of me, and i'm really just young. and then i remember that I've got so much time, so much time ahead of me, and i feel this overwhelming dread. how long do i have to live like this until...? until i'm happy? until i get everything i want? i don't really want anything anymore. i just want out. i'm just waiting to die. we're all waiting to die, i guess.

but i can't do anything. i can't even remember what made me like this. i can't sort through my tangled thoughts. i can't get up and do something with my day. i can't live up to my empty promises. i can't take care of myself. i can't take a walk. i can't go to my classes. i can't do anything. i don't want to do anything. i shouldn't be questioning all of this. i shouldn't have questions. i shouldn't, i can't, all these things and thoughts but what can i even do? what can i do? what can i do? what can i do when i want to do nothing?

i'm just waiting to die.