tonight is bringing back old feelings i did not know i still had left in me. my mom got to drink wine today, and so she got drunk and then threw up in the toilet. didnt fucking flush and the toilet was just red and the whole upstairs smelled like wine. had to piss really fucking bad so i forced myself to use the bathroom with my nose covered. my room is right next to the bathroom and my parents room, and i could hear them fighting. i dont know what exactly about though, since its muffled from my room. but when i was leaving the bathroom, i heard my dad say something that was like my mom was worthless to me now because of her drinking wine, and i feel bad because i know he said that in the heat of the moment and now i think i heard her crying when he left. and it doesnt help that i was kind of being a dick to her earlier because she wouldnt hang out with me and i feel like thats going to influence the idea more that shes worthless even though shes not even if shes an alcoholic. i love both of my parents more than anything. i wish things were better in my dumbass fucking life. i was bitching to my mom earlier too about how our house fucking sucks and how i wish we could just fucking clean. she never listens to me though, it sucks. i am tired of living in trash and having to go to a blank wall or something so that i wont have a disgusting background in a photo. i cant even facetime without there just being fucking roaches or something on the fucking wall, i hate my fucking life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wish i lived a normal life like on the tv shows, where everyone is happy and they love each other and they go out and do things and have friends and sleepovers and everything is perfect!!!!!!!!! i hate my life, and i hate myself for allowing me to live like this. i just want my mom to hold me tight and tell me ill always be her baby, and have my dad play games with me again and tell me he loves me. why do i have to lay down in bed each night to go to sleep, stroking my own head pretending someone was there to love me? i hate being a teenager, im so fucking lonely and miserable. i dont even want to try anymore, itll never be enough to fix the fucking prison i live in. i just sometimes want to die instead. what is the point in living, when i have no joy? but, id rather not die like this. probably so much fucking trash no one would find my body anyway. i do not want to be selfish and take my own life for something temporary. though, it may not be temporary. if this is my life forever, i might as well get used to it. its been years, but i just cant bring myself to. i have dreams at night, where i have a nice life and everything is clean and perfect. in my dreams, i start to cry. because even in my dreams i know its not real, that i will wake up and it will all be gone. i wake up everyday wanting nothing more than to sleep forever. tomorrow is another day.
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Entry #61
2 Kudos
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★Eli's mind★
I'm so sorry you're going through this, life has hard moments that sometimes last a long time, and it seems like they will last forever and that you can't do anything, but that's not the case.
Time passes, you change, your environment changes, and the things that made you suffer also change. Obviously, there will always be something that makes you suffer, it's part of life, but with time things appear that make it worth living despite the problems.
Nobody can tell you the meaning of life because you have to find your own meaning, you have to find out why you live. And it is very difficult, but not impossible.
I wish you the best of luck <3
thank you truly, i feel much better after getting sleep. im glad you try to help me as best you can, hope you get the same help when you need. <3
by 5starslikegta; ; Report
I'm glad you're better ^_^
by ★Eli's mind★; ; Report