shadows fall further

"It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no farther"

It's been 15 days. 15 days since I had fallen and couldn't fall farther. 

15 days ago I reached the last layer of hell, physically I was in the hospital room. Being an ominous shadow among the sick. There mentally, I was at the very last layer of hell. Physically, I lay my head on a plastic chair, I smelled sickness and decay. Coughs, stares,beeping sounds of breathing machines fille the room. Me, a blank stare, charcoal mouth. Deep hallowed eyes. Empty heart. The perfect attire for my entry to hell. 

Waiting in a room full of sickness and despair. Waiting for the next step. I asked for this. i made the call, but a part of me wished I hadn't.

But why? I can only guess it was because a part of me wanted to go into the unknown and have it cuddle me up in its embrace. What would it have felt like? How would it smell? Would I taste death on my lips? If so, would I ever have understood what life tasted like if I so desperately yearned for the taste of death?

The 1st doctor arrived. Big eyes. Asking me what everyone had been asking me. What happened? Why did you do it? What led you here? Each facial expression is the same. Puzzled, sadness, and perhaps even disbelief. She told me, "it's all in your head. Our head can lie to us". Knowing this already, I agreed. She caressed my leg and told me the psychiatrist would see me soon. 

At this point, the regret begins to seep in and take over. Is it regret for calling? Regret for not letting it happen? Or regret for even trying? I am not sure at that moment but I know it's regret I feel. 

The tears can't stop. Each moment I read my supposed last words I am overwhelmed with the same sensations. The words " I miss myself, I miss no longer missing" pierce through my heart like a dagger. 

When did life get so gloom for me? When did the unknown became all I ever wanted to know? 

I am back to finding my voice, my drive, my love and I hope and pray to the unknown that it no longer seduces me. 

That the fall is no longer further than the fall I've taken.