keys, doors, open windows

🗝️🚪🪟

Before joining spacehey (and loving it), I always thought my tumblr (well, actually, my peach & egge/mosaic) got the deepest parts of me.  At least, as far as the internet goes.  While I was placing my links on my profile, I recognized that everyone here gets all those layers.  The surface level me like on instagram, the slightly cracked open version on my Twitter (boo "x"), my Patreon, which, for some reason I want to remain faceless, my tumblr, where I share deeper parts of myself.  But now that I "know" in a way, some people on Tumblr (albeit still acquaintances), the strangers here will get access to that, but I feel hesitant to post my spacehey on there.

Beyond just digitally, the question of access, and who gets what has become a prevalent part of my life lately.  Navigating the unknown, which I feel I've been thrust into, regarding especially my relationships, has been a source of stress as of recently.  I won't lie that it's coming up because a lot of people have been showing their interest in me.  

People are like portals, each with endless realities, passages, perspectives and potential to essentially choose from.  They come with their pros, and cons, weighted especially in our own perception.  They may come with or have different destinations, but they're all leading back to yourself.   

Spiritually, it's poor hygiene to give everyone access to you, but in what ways?  Energy is still transmitted through a screen, and physical connections of course, strengthen energetic ties.  I feel guided to cleanse and "disconnect" daily.  I prefer showing people surface-level me.  It's hard for most to get past a certain barrier.  But I'm convinced some people were sent to penetrate straight into my heart.  To show me where those barriers are.  Where I'm still holding onto fear.  How I'm acting from it.  I got so scared of this, I began wondering who they really are, where they really came from.  Deep in my heart I knew they were Heaven Sent; logically I knew there is no opposing force, nothing separate from Source.  Nothing separate from Love, so why did I let my mind convince me otherwise?  These illusions can be so deceiving.  Now I'm left picking up the pieces in my mind.  The only thing that makes it better is knowing I can never lose myself.  And that it was my love I wanted all along.  Though I never want to cause another pain, or experience it myself, sometimes the heart breaks open.  Does it mean I have to deny the love of others?  Of course not.  "Love is the oasis of green joy" and it's Love I want to embody, want to spread, want to leave behind.  Won't you forgive me if I've been less than loving?  If I jump ship?